Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft and various other interested parties, not me. I'm not making any money from this, and no infringement of copyright is intended. This is a work of fandom, intended as appreciation of the original work.

Chapter 15

The skies over Midgar had been overcast for weeks now, though it hadn't rained. Cloud honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd seen the sun. He wasn't sure if it was a natural rainy season for the climate, or something to do with the rapidly increasing air pollution problem, or both; frankly, he didn't care. The dull skies and weak light suited his mood perfectly.

The new SOLDIERs had been separated from the failures before they'd even left Gold Saucer. Not having expected that, Cloud and Zack hadn't had a chance to say goodbye. The last Cloud had seen of his friend had been as Zack turned back to smile and give him a thumbs up, just before vanishing into the helicopter that had been chartered for the new SOLDIERs.

At first Cloud had done his best to cling to Zack's reassurances, reminding himself again and again that he could make another attempt next year, and that Zack had faith in him. It had been hard, harder than he'd even thought. Although the attitude among his toonmates had been more along the lines of 'wow, you made it really far, way to go!' than 'you failed, you're such a loser', it had been difficult to face them all knowing he'd left telling them he was going to be a SOLDIER and returned still an ordinary trooper.

In truth he'd been a little relieved when his transfer orders had come a few days after he'd gotten back. He'd apparently managed to impress the brass enough to earn himself a promotion and a transfer to the sword corps. In the beginning, just glancing down at his bright new corporal's insignia had been enough to comfort him. It helped that the troops in his new unit had no idea he'd been a SOLDIER candidate; they'd simply accepted him and treated him as they would have any other transfer.

As one week went by, then two, he'd told himself that Zack was probably just trapped in the SOLDIER equivalent of boot camp, and too exhausted to seek Cloud out in his free time. Or maybe he was getting his mako enhancements; none of the regular troops really knew exactly how that was done, though there were all kinds of ghoulish rumours.

When the third and fourth weeks went by and there still was no sign of Zack, not even so much as a relayed message, the private reassurances started to wear thin.

Maybe if he'd had any kind of support it wouldn't have seemed so awful, but even after weeks of working together he still barely knew any of his new toonmates. He'd never realized just how much it had been Zack who had created a place for them among their unit, with Cloud trailing along and content to stay in his friend's shadow. Without Zack there to break the ice and smooth the way, Cloud found he had absolutely no idea how to go about making friends of his new unit.

They seemed to take his shyness as a natural reticence, and left him to himself. They didn't tease or torment him, but they didn't go out of their way to include him in anything either. As time went by and Zack still didn't show, Cloud withdrew more and more into himself and that only made the problem worse.

Until now, more than two months after the SOLDIER exams had finished. Everything seemed dull and grey to Cloud, not just the skies. He drifted through the days, doing his duties to the best of his abilities but without any sort of heart in it, alone even among the crowd of his toonmates. He felt like he was only existing, not really living.

Damn Zack anyway. He was the one who'd befriended Cloud despite the younger boy's protests, and he'd gotten Cloud used to having a close friend around all the time. Before Zack came into his life it wouldn't have bothered Cloud to find himself alone in a group and friendless; it was simply what he expected. Now, though, he was achingly lonely and miserable. It was worse than the week in Mideel when they'd been fighting, because every day that went by made it harder to believe that Zack would come back at all.

Today they were getting out of the city, at least. Maybe in the wide spaces of the plains around Midgar he'd be able to find a measure of peace. He didn't think life in the big city would ever really appeal to him.

The monster appearances around Midgar had gotten frequent enough to endanger travellers coming to and from Junon and Kalm. Shinra had started sending troops out to patrol the main roads, keeping them clear and safe so trade wouldn't be restricted. 5th sword battalion's charlie company had been assigned the duty today, and Cloud was looking forward to it. Well, as much as he looked forward to anything these days.

Since they were going to be patrolling on foot just outside the city, they didn't bother with a troop transport. Just before they reached the gate of the army compound their captain waved them off to the side, sending them scurrying to form up to one side of the road as a line of SOLDIERs came in through the gates.

Standing at attention and saluting with the others, Cloud automatically looked for some sign of Zack as the SOLDIERs went by. They weren't marching; they were clumped in groups, and most of them looked completely exhausted. They were all 3rd Class except for the 2nd Class who was leading them; Cloud wondered if they'd been in some kind of major battle somewhere. But why were they walking?

He hadn't actually expected to see Zack, so he was more than a little surprised when he caught sight of familiar dark spikes and a laughing face he'd missed so much it actually hurt to see it again. Trapped behind his helmet, unable to call out to get his friend's attention because he was in formation, Cloud drank in the sight of him the way parched earth drank in the rain.

Zack looked tired, Cloud noted immediately. Like all the other SOLDIERs his face was drawn and his movements weary, though his expression was as lively as ever. He was talking and gesturing to another of the SOLDIERs, laughing every so often in the irrepressible way he had. He looked good in the 3rd Class uniform, his broad shoulders filling out the tunic and carrying the shoulder plates well. He laughed at something his companion said, and the sound made Cloud's heart squeeze with longing.

And then it stopped beating altogether, as he watched Zack sling a casual arm over the other man's shoulder and ruffle his light brown hair. It was a familiar gesture; it ought to be, considering how often Zack had done it to Cloud. He tried to think if he'd ever seen Zack do it to anyone else, and couldn't remember. It had become a sort of coded gesture between them, the closest they could get to an intimate touch in public.

That, and Zack just loved to see Cloud blush and sputter when he did it.

Two months without a word. Two months, and his first glimpse of Zack was of him treating someone else exactly the same way he'd always treated Cloud. It felt like something died a little inside Cloud, something important. Zack had promised he wouldn't forget Cloud... but from the looks of it, it hadn't taken him long to replace his 'best friend'.

The SOLDIERs had passed now, and Cloud's company started moving again. He marched along numbly, putting one foot in front of the other and staying in step more by habit than on purpose. His eyes watered and his throat closed up, and for once he was grateful for his helmet.

Any appeal the patrol had held was gone now. Cloud performed his duties by rote, not really paying attention. He was lucky that the monsters seemed to have learned enough to stay away from the main roads, or he'd probably have gotten himself and others killed with his apathy. All he could think about was that brief glimpse of Zack, and his chest hurt a little more every time he saw the mental image.

By the time their patrol ended and they all headed back to the barracks Cloud wanted nothing more than to curl up on his bunk, pull the covers over his head, and shut out the world for as long as possible. His toonmates were already planning a poker game, though, and he knew from past experience that it would be far too bright and noisy for him to have any hope of finding oblivion.

So he did the next best thing. "I'm going to practice," Cloud announced to the room in general as they entered their barrack and everyone started stripping off their armour. He wriggled out of his with the ease of practice, then buckled his sword belt back on over his tunic. The others waved him out, their attention already on setting the ante for the game. Cloud's obsession with practicing every chance he got, to prepare him for next year's SOLDIER exams, was well known.

They wouldn't question it if he was gone until curfew, wouldn't even mention it except perhaps to ask him if it had gone well. This was a time when he was grateful for the way they seemed content to leave him to his own devices; if he'd been back in alpha company, he'd have had to explain why he wanted to be alone. If Zack had been there, Cloud would never have gotten away with going off to 'sulk', as the older boy put it.

Of course, if Zack had been there, Cloud wouldn't have needed to go 'sulk'. Zack wasn't there. From the looks of things, he'd better not count on Zack being there ever again. Cloud had been replaced.

Choking down the pain and anger that thought brought him, Cloud headed straight for the building that housed the small indoor training salles. The clerk who kept track of the use of the rooms smiled at him and waved him in, and he headed for 'his' practice room.

Really it was 'their' practice room. The indoor rooms were in high demand and were supposed to be booked at least twenty-four hours in advance, with forms filled out in triplicate and signed by your commanding officer to explain why the time for private training was required. Zack had long ago charmed the clerks, male and female alike, into keeping a room open for him and Cloud to practice in.

Stepping inside, Cloud closed the door behind him and stood there looking blindly into the small space, not bothering to turn the lights on. For the first time, he found he really didn't want to be there. This had been their place, and not a few of their rare opportunities to touch each other had happened here. If the walls had been a little better soundproofed and the doors had a lock on them, they'd probably have done it more often and gone further.

The room held all kinds of memories, and they weren't things Cloud really wanted to think about. He'd come out to try to get away from thoughts of Zack, but was there anywhere on the base he could go that wouldn't bring back memories of his friend?

Probably not. So here was as good as anywhere. At least here he could vent his rage and pain without anyone questioning it. Flipping the lights on, he drew his sword and flung himself at the practice dummy.

"Stupid," he scolded himself as he made the first cut. The dummy was tough, made of a polymer created by Shinra, and he was only able to hack off little bits of it at a time. "Stupid, stupid, stupid! Of course he's made friends. Of course he's happy. Of course he's forgotten all about you! He's Zack. He's probably never gone a day without a friend in his whole life."

There were tears on his cheeks and in his eyes, blurring his sight. It didn't matter; it wasn't like he was trying for finesse, just brute strength. "He's got people around him now who are at his level," he taunted himself bitterly. "Not stupid little hangers-on like you. They can keep up with him. They can train with him, match him, help him get better. They are right there with him, not someone he has to waste hours of precious free time on!"

He'd believed Zack's promises, he really had. Even though some part of him had always been afraid this would happen, he'd still believed. How long had it taken Zack to replace him, he wondered? He'd seemed pretty comfortable with that other SOLDIER. A month? A week? Or had they already been chatting and making friends as the helicopter left Gold Saucer?

It was petty and childish of him to resent his friend's happiness, he knew. But he'd been so lonely and miserable, clinging to that last hope that Zack would show up eventually. He'd even mustered enough courage to go to the SOLDIERs' part of the compound a few times and ask after him, but the SOLDIERs all just brushed him off. Now he even had to wonder if Zack had maybe asked them not to tell Cloud where he was.

By the time he'd reduced the dummy to tiny little pieces, he was breathing hard and fighting off sobs. He'd hoped taking out his emotions on the dummy would help, but if anything he'd only made it worse. Glancing at his watch, Cloud swore as he realized he only had about fifteen minutes until curfew. He needed to clean up and hurry back, or he'd be late.

Struggling, he forced his expression under control with an effort of will. His emotions still roiled inside him, but at least his face wouldn't give him away. He washed tears and sweat alike off at the small basin in the room provided for that purpose, shivering as the cold water trickled down his neck.

The running water masked the sound of the door opening, but not the cheerful voice that followed. "There you are! I'm an idiot, I should have checked here first." Startled, Cloud nearly bashed his head on the faucet as he jerked upright and spun around to see Zack standing in the doorway.

"The guys in alpha company weren't sure where you'd been transferred to," Zack continued, leaning against the door jamb and grinning. "It took me a while to find your new unit, and even then they weren't sure where you'd gone. I was about to give up for the night when it occurred to me to look in here."

All the hurt and anger Cloud hadn't successfully rid himself of with the practice dummy came boiling up, and he turned away before Zack could see it in his eyes. The last thing he wanted was for the older boy to know just how pathetic he'd been, hanging around waiting for some sign that Zack still thought of him. "I need to get back," he muttered, his voice gruff but thankfully steady. "I'll be late for curfew." He was going to have to brush right past Zack to get out of the room, and it made him feel trapped.

"Nah, don't worry about it," Zack shrugged, and from the corner of his eye Cloud saw the older boy's grin widen. "I'm an officer now, remember? You can just say I co-opted you for something, you won't get in trouble. Still feels weird, getting saluted."

If this had happened even yesterday, Cloud probably would have just smacked his friend for going so long without contacting him, and they'd have moved on. As it was, all he could think of was the way Zack had slung his arm over that other SOLDIER's shoulder.

"I bet," he said listlessly. "I need to go. I've got early patrol tomorrow, I need to sleep." He didn't, actually, but he doubted Zack would have any idea what his schedule was like. There was nothing for it; he moved to walk past the older boy and leave the room, hoping Zack would at least move out of the way.

The bastard actually had the gall to sound hurt. "C'mon! I haven't seen you in two months, and you want to go sleep? Where's your sense of adventure gone?" Zack reached out and ruffled Cloud's hair as he passed, his arm a heavy weight over the smaller boy's shoulders.

It was too much. Patience snapping, Cloud lashed out. "Leave me alone!" he shouted, shoving Zack's arm off and swinging at him. Cloud caught him enough off guard that his punch connected hard, staggering the older boy and driving the breath out of his lungs.

"Oof!" Clutching at his solar plexus, Zack coughed and glared at him. "What the hell was that for?" he demanded, wheezing.

"You!" Cloud yelled, almost incoherent with fury. "You promised, you bastard!" You promised not to forget me. You promised not to leave me behind. Growling, he swung at Zack again, aiming for the face this time.

Zack dodged and grabbed his wrist, scowling. "I don't know what the hell your problem is, Cloud, but... hey!" Cloud had lifted a foot and kicked - not at his shin, which had been one of his standard responses to Zack's teasing, but at his kneecap. He didn't have the right angle to dislocate it, but the impact must have hurt like Ifrit's fire anyway. "Son of a bitch!" Zack swore. "Fine, you want a fight? You got it."

He punched at Cloud, who twisted to one side to dodge it. They'd sparred together often enough to be able to predict one another, but in those fights they'd never been trying to inflict real damage. This wasn't a fight so much as a brawl, and neither of them was pulling their punches.

Zack had always been better at hand-to-hand than Cloud, but the weariness the older boy had shown earlier was obviously slowing him down. That, plus the strength born of Cloud's anguish, put them on more or less even footing.

Within a few exchanges neither of them was thinking about why they were fighting any more. It was just about trading pain for pain. Cloud managed to black Zack's eye and split his lip, and Zack broke his nose in return. Zack tripped Cloud at one point and wrenched his ankle badly; Cloud retaliated by driving him back into the nearest wall and dislocating his shoulder.

Nobody came running; you expected to hear sounds of fighting in the training rooms, after all. At some point the door had swung closed again as they moved farther into the room, giving them privacy.

Cloud's breath was coming in harsh pants, burning in his throat and lungs. His whole face felt like it was on fire, and every movement sent spikes of pain shooting up from his broken nose. He'd started crying again at some point, making it harder to aim his punches, and finally that was enough to let Zack get the better of him.

Catching a wild swing with his good hand, Zack twisted it up and around behind Cloud's back and wrenched it upwards. Cloud cried out in pain and tried to struggle, but there wasn't much he could do without hurting himself further. If Zack pulled his arm up any further he'd dislocate it; a sharp jerk and it would break. He kicked back, trying to hit Zack's injured knee again, but the older boy evaded it and used his captured arm to frog-march him up against the wall.

Once there, Zack leaned in and used his taller, heavier body to pin Cloud down. Hurt, exhausted, and still shaking with suppressed sobs, Cloud gave up and stopped struggling.

"All right," Zack said cautiously when Cloud stopped fighting. His voice was strained with pain, which gave Cloud some small satisfaction at least. "You wanna tell me what the hell that was all about?"

"You bastard, I believed you," Cloud choked out, his voice thick with the blood that had run down his throat from his broken nose. "Two fucking months! It hasn't been that hard to find me!"

"Well, it would have helped if I'd been anywhere near Midgar," Zack snapped back. Looking over his shoulder Cloud could see Zack scowling at him, though the effect was somewhat spoiled by the black eye and split lip. "If you'd just bothered to ask anyone, they'd have told you new SOLDIERs get shipped off to Junon for 'orientation'."

"Junon?" Cloud repeated, surprised enough that some of the angry tension bled out of his shoulders. "You've been in Junon all this time?" He shook his head. "But I did ask! Often enough that the SOLDIERs told me to quit bugging them and stay out of their area! I thought..." he choked again, on fresh tears this time. "I thought you'd told them not to talk to me," he admitted in a whisper.

"Ah hell, Cloud." Zack let him go and stepped back, giving him room to turn. They were both battered and bruised and much the worse for wear, and Cloud dreaded having to explain these injuries to his toonmates and officer. "I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't do that to anyone, but especially not you." He grimaced. "One thing I'm learning is that an awful lot of SOLDIERs are arrogant asses who like lording it over the troopers. Odin strike me down if I ever get like that."

"You couldn't have written me to tell me what the hell was going on?" Cloud demanded, not really satisfied. It helped to know that the reason Zack had never sought him out was because the older boy hadn't been in the city, but that didn't explain why he hadn't made any effort to reach Cloud at all.

To his surprise, Zack's expression turned sheepish and he raised his good hand to rub at the back of his head. "Yeah, well, I kind of suck at writing letters," he said. "I kept meaning to write you, really I did! I'd have it all planned out in my head, but then I never got around to putting pen to paper." He winced. "I haven't even written to my parents since I left home. Hades, they probably think I'm dead by now. I really ought to get around to doing that."

That was just such a Zack thing to have a problem with that Cloud couldn't help snorting with laughter even though it made his nose hurt again. Of course Zack was a terrible letter writer. That would involve sitting still at a desk somewhere voluntarily, when he could be out doing active things instead.

Most of Cloud's anger had drained away now, but it left a dull sort of ache behind in its place. The memory of Zack laughing and touching that other SOLDIER was still fresh in his mind's eye. "All right, I'm sorry I punched you," he said wearily, turning away again. "But maybe this was all just as well. We don't exist in the same world any more, Zack. Maybe you..." He stumbled over the words, but forced them out around the constriction in his throat. He was mature enough to want his best friend to be happy even at the expense of their friendship, really he was. "Maybe you should forget about me. Go be with your friends in SOLDIER. That's where you belong now."

"I don't want to go spend time with them, dumbass," Zack said with the exaggerated patience you used to correct a particularly slow child. "Believe me, I see more than enough of their ugly mugs every day. And I did promise you I wouldn't forget you, and you know I keep my promises."

That made it sound almost like Zack had only sought him out because of the promise, a thought that hurt Cloud worse than anything else had yet. He had to wait a moment to reply, or a sob would have escaped him. "I can take care of myself without you hanging around to baby me," he said harshly, still not able to look Zack in the eyes. "You've obviously already made close friends there. You don't need me any more."

"What in the name of the Ancients are you on about?" Zack asked, shaking his head. He caught Cloud's chin in his good hand and forced the younger boy to look up. When he saw the tears in Cloud's eyes, he looked astonished. "What made you think I could ever replace you?"

Impatient, Cloud made a sharp gesture as if to brush away the question. "I saw you, Zack," he said. "As you came in the gate this morning. My company was going out on patrol; you didn't see me because I had my helmet on." Despite his best efforts, his voice turned bitter. "You seemed more than friendly enough with that guy, you don't need me hanging around as a third wheel."

Zack blinked, clearly trying to recall just who he'd been talking to as he came into the base that morning. "You mean Adri?" he asked. "He's a decent guy and a good friend, but he's not you. For one thing, he doesn't..."

He paused, and gave Cloud a speculative look. It transformed quickly into a grin; the expression looked a little gruesome on his bruised and bloody face, but Cloud had seen it often enough to know Zack was laughing at him. "Cloud, are you jealous of Adri? Is that what all this is really about?"

"I am not jealous!" Cloud practically yelled, wincing as his nose protested. His ears felt hot, and he knew he was probably blushing scarlet.

Laughing, Zack reached out and ruffled his hair. Still trapped between the older boy and the wall even though he wasn't pinned any more, Cloud couldn't dodge so he had to settle for growling and batting at the offending hand. "You little twit," Zack scolded him affectionately. "Don't you have any faith in us yet? There's nothing for you to be jealous of. Not only is Adri happily married, but the only one I want to be fooling around with is you." He eyed the mess of Cloud's nose thoughtfully. "Though not when you're that damaged. Here."

Cloud took the little bottle Zack dug out of his belt, but he had to stare at it for a minute to realize what it was. "Is that a hi-potion?" he asked, momentarily distracted from the topic at hand by his astonishment. He hadn't seen one since that final battle in Mideel.

"Yeah, we get a couple issued every day, or we'd all have collapsed in training," Zack said, grimacing. "Man, if you thought boot camp was bad, it was like a candle to the sun compared to SOLDIER basic training. And we haven't even gotten the mako treatments yet! Drink it, or you're going to look like a raccoon in a few minutes. And I've been dying to kiss you for two months, damn it, I don't want you to pass out from pain when I finally get a chance."

Those words, spoken in such an offhand but passionate manner, did more to reassure Cloud than everything else Zack had said. He downed the hi-potion and braced himself against the wall as the magic-laced liquid raced through his system, repairing all the damage. When the tingling sensation finally faded, he could breathe freely through his nose again and nothing hurt.

Zack had used a Restore on himself in the meantime, and the moment he saw Cloud had recovered he leaned down and kissed the younger boy thoroughly. A little dizzy, Cloud clung to his shoulders and kissed him back. He'd forgotten just how good this really was, and with every moment that went by a little more of the hollow ache inside him was filled.

"Sweet Shiva, I've missed you," Zack breathed when he finally pulled away and leaned his forehead against Cloud's. He'd moved so he was pinning the smaller boy to the wall again, but Cloud was so not complaining. He rocked his lower body against Zack's, brushing their groins together and making them both moan. Neither of them was fully hard yet, but it wouldn't take much to get there. "I still owe you a hotel trip. Remind me why I shouldn't just take you here against the wall, though?"

"We don't have time," Cloud groaned, shivering with lust and regret. Automatically he lifted his arm far enough from Zack's neck to see his watch. "It's... holy Alexander, it's almost half an hour past curfew!" he yelped, eyes widening. "Shit! I'm going to be in so much trouble!"

Chuckling, Zack kissed him again despite Cloud's half-panicked efforts to get free. "No worries, I'll walk you back and they won't question a SOLDIER," he assured the blonde. "But we probably shouldn't push our luck by being too late," he concluded with a sigh. Reluctantly he pulled away, leaving Cloud leaning dazed against the wall.

"We're okay now, right?" Zack asked, just to make sure. "You got it all out of your system?"

"Yeah," Cloud nodded, flushing again with embarrassment. Looking back on his behaviour now, he hoped he hadn't seemed like as much of a child as he thought he had. Why was it always so easy to realize how immature you were being after the fact, but never at the time?

"Good," Zack ruffled his hair again. "Because while I'm flattered that you're jealous, you're not nearly as cute when you're trying to kick my knees in. C'mon, let's get you back to your unit."

As predicted, the sergeant in charge of Cloud's platoon didn't so much as chide Cloud for being late when he saw who was accompanying his young corporal. "I'll see you tomorrow, unless something weird happens with our schedules," Zack said with a smile and a wave as he turned to go. Cloud nodded, and couldn't resist staring after him until the door had closed behind him. He was back to feeling the way he had this morning when he'd first seen his friend; like he couldn't get enough of looking at him to make up for the two months they'd been apart.

"Hey Cloud, you never told us you knew someone in SOLDIER," one of the others commented enviously.

Turning back to them, Cloud couldn't help grinning. His toonmates gaped at him, unused to seeing such a blatantly cheerful expression on him. "He's my best friend," Cloud replied, the grin widening. Knowing Zack hadn't abandoned or forgotten him made all the difference in the world.

Return to Final Fantasy VII Page

Return to the Main Index

Email Miko no da