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Chapter 6

For once, reveille couldn't come early enough to suit Cloud. He'd tossed and turned through most of the night, catching only brief snatches of uneasy sleep. At the same time he dreaded the sound of the recorded bugle, because it meant he was going to have to get up and face Zack.

When the familiar notes did finally come, he groaned softly and buried his head under his pillow. Above him the bunk creaked as Zack shifted around, getting ready to get up, and just the sound of it was enough to put a fierce blush on Cloud's cheeks. How was he ever going to get through this?

There was a thud beside him that marked Zack jumping down, and his friend's voice reached him through the thin shield of the pillow. "Hey, sleepyhead, get moving," the older boy said, kicking at the side of Cloud's bunk. It was the same exchange they had every morning, since Zack was a naturally early riser and Cloud was notoriously reluctant to get up.

This time, though, there was a strain in Zack's voice that wasn't usually there, and when Cloud unearthed himself to glance up, he could see the same strain in his friend's eyes and smile. Zack was such a carefree person that even though he hid his unease well, Cloud could still read the difference in his expression.

Flushing deeper, Cloud's eyes skittered away from meeting Zack's gaze, and he couldn't quite look the older boy in the face. "I'm up," he said, his usual response to Zack's exhortations, but his heart wasn't in it. From the corner of his eye he saw the forced smile slip, and for a moment Zack looked as awkward as Cloud felt.

Then Zack shook his head, and plastered his usual grin over his face again. "So? Up and at 'em, then! Last one to the mess has to clear the trays."

With that he was gone, heading for the showers. Usually Cloud would have been stumbling along sleepily behind him, but today the mere thought of having to face a naked Zack in the very open shower room was enough to make him groan and burrow back under his pillow.

He couldn't hide there forever though, however much he might want to. Mortally certain that everyone in the room was either leering at him or giving him an accusing look - or both - Cloud dragged himself upright and started making his bed.

By the time Zack got back from the showers, Cloud had his bed straightened with the proper military precision, and his uniform for the day laid out carefully over the covers. Not until he saw the dark-haired boy return did Cloud grab his shower kit and head out himself.

"Hey, you're running later than usual," Zack observed as they passed in the narrow aisle between bunks. "Better get a move on, you don't want to miss morning inspection."

Still not able to look his friend in the eyes, Cloud shrugged. "I'll be fine," he mumbled, jerking his head back towards their bunk to indicate his prepared uniform. "I just... wanted to wait until the showers weren't completely crowded, for once."

"Fair enough," Zack agreed, but he sounded strained again. Swallowing, Cloud ducked his head further and fled for the showers.

It was a little nice to not have to fight for space in the showers, but Cloud immediately found he missed having Zack beside him cracking jokes and making Cloud talk to him to make sure the sleepy blonde didn't drift off under the water. It felt odd not to have that familiar presence by him, and what was worse, he didn't see any way to fix the problem.

That Zack was feeling just as awkward as Cloud, he had no doubt. The older boy covered it better than Cloud did, but then he'd always been better at maintaining an uncaring attitude. It was one of the things Cloud liked best about Zack, because he could always count on his friend to find the bright side of just about anything. If there was a bright side to this, though, Cloud couldn't see it.

How were they supposed to deal with this? Even if he'd been inclined to talk it out, which he most definitely wasn't, Cloud didn't see any way they could talk about it without being overheard by every busybody gossip in the regiment. The same lack of privacy that had caused the situation in the first place was going to continue to exacerbate it.

And even if they could find a moment alone and decided to say something, what could they say? If there was a casual way to ask your best friend if he'd been aware that you were jerking off before he started, Cloud couldn't think of it.

Another thought blindsided him, leaving him standing under the spray staring blankly at the tiles, dripping soapsuds from his half-rinsed hair. What if Zack thought Cloud was the one who had broken the rule and started at the same time as Zack? Worse, what if he suspected Cloud had been doing it because he'd been listening to Zack?

The worst part was, Cloud didn't think he could believably deny it, even though it wasn't true. He had been thinking about Zack, even if he hadn't been aware of what was going on above him at the time. Did it really matter whether or not he'd been listening? The fact was that he'd been jerking off because of Zack, and that crossed some kind of line of acceptable behaviour between friends. No wonder Zack was hard pressed to keep his usual cheer up.

Swearing under his breath, Cloud scrubbed the rest of the soap out of his hair and twisted the shower off with a violent motion. How the hell were they going to fix this? He didn't want to lose the best - maybe the only - friend he'd ever had over his stupid hormones.

Maybe if they ignored it long enough, things would go back to normal as they forgot about it. He could only hope that would be the case, because he didn't think he could stand it if things stayed the way they were.

As he made his way back to the bunk to get dressed, he once again passed Zack. "Hurry up," the older boy urged him. "You don't have much time left. I'll see you in the mess." Cloud nodded and hurried on with his head down, his throat tight. Zack always waited for him so they could go out together, even if it meant they would both be late to morning inspection. It was just one of those things that everyone in the unit knew; if one of their two youngest members was in trouble, it was a guarantee the other one was in equally hot water.

That Zack had gone on ahead of him today spoke volumes, and Cloud saw more than one curious look directed at him as he quickly dressed. Flushing, he did his best to ignore everyone and just concentrate on not doing something like doing his buttons up wrong and getting in trouble during inspection.

He made it in time, but only barely. As B platoon fell into its accustomed place in the ranks of alpha company for inspection, Cloud found himself at the tail end of their file. Zack was somewhere in the middle, his dark spikes visible from the corner of Cloud's eye.

Morning inspection was a desultory process most days, unless there was going to be a parade or other event later in the day. Today was no exception, and they were dismissed quickly for breakfast. Cloud almost expected Zack to hurry on without him, but somewhat to his relief the older boy hung back until Cloud caught up with him so they could walk together like they usually did.

"Do you think they could inspect us any more often in the day?" Zack asked as they walked, a complaint frequently voiced by the members of the Shinra military. "I mean, really. Morning inspection before breakfast, then gear inspection after, evening inspection before bed, and an extra one any time in between that we're lined up!"

"Yeah," Cloud said shortly. He hadn't meant to be so abrupt, but it was hard to force words out through the anxious constriction in his throat.

Zack's steps faltered briefly, then recovered as the older boy tried a new tack. "At least the food is better than boot camp, even if it is only a marginal improvement," he said doggedly. "I'm willing to believe there's actually vegetable content in this glop, anyway. You think the SOLDIERs get any better?"

"Probably," Cloud answered, shrugging. He'd always been the more taciturn of the two of them, but today he just couldn't seem to get anything out but one word answers. Maybe because he was focusing so intently on his feet, just so he wouldn't have to look up and meet Zack's eyes. If he did, he just knew he was going to blush so horribly that his thoughts from the night before would be written all over his face, and then Zack would never speak to him again.

"Yeah, so, uh..." They'd reached the mess, and Cloud's reticence seemed to be throwing off even Zack at his most determined chatterbox best. Visibly casting around for another topic of conversation, the older boy floundered. "Some of the guys were talking in the shower, they heard from A platoon that we might be getting an out-of-city assignment today. That'll be kind of cool, right? Getting out and actually doing something useful instead of just wandering around guarding a tower that nobody in their right mind would break into."

Out of the city? Cloud perked up a bit at that. "Really?" He hadn't been out of Midgar since he'd first arrived, and he'd been so focused on getting there that he hadn't really paid attention to much between Nibelheim and the city. Before that, he'd never left the Nibel mountains. It would be nice to get out and see more of the world. That was supposed to be one of the big attractions to signing up with the Shinra military, after all.

Obviously glad to have gotten more of a response from Cloud, Zack nodded. "Yeah. They've been scouting locations for a new reactor, and apparently there's been some resistance from the locals near Mideel." He snorted as they picked up their trays. "Dunno why they're even bothering to put a reactor in such a remote location. Mideel's not that well populated. But Troy said he heard there's an unusually high concentration of mako there, so maybe that's why."

"Maybe," Cloud agreed softly, glancing around for a place to sit. Unlike boot camp, there were rarely large unoccupied spaces here unless they pushed to be the first ones in after inspection. The whole company shared one mess, not just their platoon. Even so, after the first week of Zack shamelessly bribing or blackmailing people into giving up their place so he could sit next to or across from Cloud, someone always made sure to leave two spaces open for them somewhere.

Today Cloud almost wished they hadn't, as it would have given him a good excuse not to have to face Zack for just a little longer. It was cowardly of him and he knew it, but he couldn't stand this horrible awkwardness between them and he knew it was mostly his fault. Zack was at least trying to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had happened, even if his smile was forced.

If anything, more space had been left for them than usual, giving them a little bubble at one end of a table. Cloud sat down with a wince, taking that as a sign that everyone knew what had happened between them last night. He wasn't sure if the extra space was a misguided attempt to give them privacy to talk about it, or if everyone was hoping they might fight if left to their own devices. There was nothing like a good fight to create juicy gossip, and gossip was the lubrication in the gears of any military unit.

With a quiet sigh Cloud almost missed, Zack sat across from him. "I suppose if we are shipped out, we'll be subsisting on field rations for however long we're out there, so we might as well enjoy the food while we've got it," the older boy declared, scooping up a healthy portion of oatmeal. "Hell, by the time we get back we'll probably be grateful for this stuff," he added when he'd swallowed.

"Mm." Cloud nodded his agreement, his eyes fixed on his plate as he concentrated on eating. It was more of an effort than usual; the same lump in his throat that made it hard to get words out was making it difficult to swallow as well.

Apparently that was so non-verbal even Zack couldn't find anything to say in the face of it, or else the older boy had just run out of conversational gambits. Either way he didn't say anything more, and they descended into an awkward silence as they ate their breakfasts.

With every minute that went by, the hard knot in Cloud's chest grew. The food tasted even more like sawdust than usual, dry and unappetizing in his mouth. Half of him wished Zack would just give up and leave him in peace for a while so he could think through this, but the rest of him was terrified that Zack would do exactly that and wouldn't come back again. Cloud had said all along that Zack was crazy for wanting to be friends with someone like him, but he'd stopped preparing himself for the eventuality that Zack would come to his senses a long time ago. If it happened now, he didn't think he'd be able to stand it.

Finally, when they were shoving the last remnants of dry toast around on their plates, Zack sighed again and toed Cloud's shin. "Hey." Lost in his increasingly panicked thoughts, Cloud was startled enough by the sudden touch that he actually looked up. Immediately he was caught by Zack's intense grey-violet gaze, the older boy looking back at him with an expression Cloud couldn't identify. It certainly was nothing like his usual happy-go-lucky grin, or even the more sober face he would sometimes show when discussing a serious topic or focused on a task.

"Look, Cloud," Zack started, clearly searching hard for words. "I didn't mean... that is, I don't want..."

Whatever Zack had been about to say was interrupted by a sudden shout from the door. "Captain in the room! Attention!" Without thought Cloud and Zack shoved their chairs back and jumped to attention along with everyone else, saluting blindly in whatever direction they happened to be facing when the call was made.

Cloud was facing the doorway, so he could see alpha company's captain standing there surveying them all. "As you were," the man said, and there was a rustle and much scraping of chairs as everyone dropped the salute and sat down again.

Zack flashed Cloud a look that clearly said 'later', but there was a hint of pleading in his eyes that turned it from a demand into a request. Cloud looked away again, focusing on the captain so he wouldn't have to see the expression in Zack's eyes. Maybe if he put everything into paying attention to the captain, he wouldn't have to sit there coming up with progressively more wild theories about what the older boy might have been about to say.

The announcements were straightforward, more or less exactly what Zack had been speculating on. They were being shipped out to the southern islands, along with a company of sword and a unit of SOLDIER 3rd Class. The last set everyone chattering among themselves as they were dismissed to pack their gear.

"Did you hear that, Cloud?" Zack crowed, whatever he'd been about to say before forgotten in the face of this new information. "SOLDIERs! They probably won't have much time for the likes of us when we actually get there, but it'll take us a while to get there, right? They'll probably send us by transport to Junon and then put us on a ship for the islands, that would make the most sense. Maybe we can get them to tell us what it'll be like, or what we can expect from the exams. Any tips we can get will help, right?"

"Right," Cloud agreed weakly, but his face had gone a bit green at the mention of a ship. The voyage across from Costa del Sol to Junon had been, without exception, the most miserable two days of his life, and it was an experience he'd worked hard to put out of his mind. Objectively he'd known that eventually he was going to have to deal with something like that again when his unit was shipped out, but he hadn't thought it would come so soon. He only hoped he could keep from making a total idiot of himself in front of everyone.

His lack of enthusiasm seemed to dampen Zack's, and the older boy sighed again. "C'mon, let's go pack our gear," he said. He reached out, and Cloud held his breath. Zack was forever ruffling his hair, claiming the spikes just begged for that kind of attention. It was such a normal and familiar gesture, and it was the most reassuring sign he'd had so far that they might be able to get past this and put their friendship back on an even keel.

Instead of the accustomed touch of Zack's hand messing his hair, though, he felt the barest brush of fingers against his bangs before the older boy snatched his hand back like it had been burned. "Right," Zack said, clearing his throat and looking away. It was hard to tell with his darker skin, but Cloud thought there might have been a faint flush on his cheeks. "So, let's go."

His heart hovering somewhere around his boots, Cloud nodded and stood, clearing his tray.

After that they didn't have time to so much as look at each other, let alone talk. The flurry of activity involved in getting ready to ship out was overwhelming, and in the chaos of trying to ensure they each had all the gear they were required to take with them Cloud didn't have a chance to worry about the state of their friendship.

The transport trucks they were loaded into were noisy and not terribly well sprung, not to mention crowded. Cloud hung onto his seat and did his best not to break anything or go flying each time they hit a bump in the road, fighting to keep from being sick or panicking in the close confines of the truck. Zack, restless as always when forced into inactivity, wandered up and down the narrow aisle between the seats.

It was only a few hours to Junon, but getting out of the truck didn't help as much as he'd hoped it would. As soon as he escaped the confines of the transport the smells of oil and gas and closely packed bodies were replaced by the salty scent of sea air, and that just reminded his stomach of how he'd felt the last time he'd been near that fishy smell.

He was a little distracted by watching the unit of SOLDIERs embark the ship ahead of them. Their uniforms were different from the ubiquitous blue of the troopers, and they looked the perfect image of a group of heroes as they laughed and chattered among themselves. Their massive buster swords were slung casually across their backs; Cloud had never seen one so close before, and looking at them he couldn't imagine how the men were able to wield something that massive. Those swords were as big as he was!

"Pretty impressive, huh?" Zack said beside him as they walked up the gangway, his eyes shining as he studied the SOLDIERs. "Wow. Just think, in a couple of months that'll be us."

"Uh-huh," Cloud managed, trying to convince himself he couldn't possibly be feeling the ship rocking beneath his feet. They were still docked, and the ship was big enough that it wouldn't be moving with just the waves in the harbour.

"Look at their eyes!" Zack continued enthusiastically, apparently not noticing Cloud's distress. Or maybe just assuming it was more of the same behaviour the younger boy had been exhibiting all day. "It's true, they really do glow in the dark. Look at the way they move, they're perfectly balanced. And these guys are only 3rd class. Can you imagine what the 1st class guys are like?"

"Probably a lot like Sephiroth was," Cloud said, swallowing hard to keep his bile down where it belonged. Behind them the loading bay was closing, and he could hear running feet on the deck above them as the sailors got ready to cast off. Taking careful, deep breaths, he did his best to steady himself in the gloom of the hold.

"True," Zack agreed. "C'mon, let's find somewhere to sit before all the good places get taken. Maybe we can sit near the SOLDIERs."

Cloud followed along without comment, looking around in an attempt to distract himself from his queasy stomach. He didn't know why Zack was bothering to look for a seat; it wasn't like the older boy would be in it for longer than five minutes at a time. Zack was not a person who'd been designed to sit still. Cloud would be grateful for the seat, though, since he didn't think his legs would hold out on him for long.

The hold was crowded, and despite the fact that this was supposed to be a troop transport ship it didn't look like it had been designed with any such purpose in mind. The area they were in was obviously intended to be a cargo hold, with bunks and seats hastily installed to accommodate them. There weren't enough seats for everyone, and they were going to have to sleep in shifts. Cloud hoped it wouldn't take them too long to get to Mideel.

They didn't manage to sit anywhere near the SOLDIERs, since everyone else had exactly the same idea. Cloud was just as grateful, since the last thing he wanted to do was make an idiot of himself by being seasick in front of the men he would most like to impress. He'd worry about finding a way to get near them when they were safely back on dry land and he could be sure the contents of his stomach would stay where he told them to.

There was a lurch as the ship's massive engines kicked in, and then Cloud could sense motion as they pulled slowly away from the dock. His stomach sloshed in response, and he closed his eyes tightly as he collapsed down into the seat. At least his helmet would keep anyone else from seeing how green he was. If he was lucky, nobody would ever know and he wouldn't end up as the butt of merciless teasing for it.

True to Cloud's prediction Zack was up and pacing less than five minutes after he'd sat down. His seat was quickly claimed by another trooper, but Zack didn't seem to mind. If the gentle sway of the deck bothered him, Zack didn't show it, walking as gracefully as if he'd been on solid ground. "Man, our first assignment, I'm so excited," he enthused, his voice gleeful. "Whatever's going on down there, it must be a pretty big deal if they're sending two whole companies and a SOLDIER unit. Even if they are only 3rd class. Funny, I always heard people in Mideel were laid-back."

Grateful that Zack seemed to have recovered enough not to require Cloud to respond in order to continue the conversation, Cloud opened his eyes again and followed Zack's restless pacing. "I bet it's not really the people from Mideel," Zack continued, thinking out loud. "Probably one of those crazy ecological terrorist groups. Mideel's in the middle of a lush forest, they're probably upset at the idea of cutting some of it down to build a reactor. They had the same problem when they built the one in Gongaga, a lot of people didn't want to lose that much of the forest. It turned out for the best in the end, though. Once we had mako power to heat and light everything, we didn't have to use wood for fuel. So in the long run, it actually saved the forest."

That was something Cloud had never considered before. The Nibel reactor was in the middle of a large expanse of rock, not anything anybody cared about. The only real objection to it that Cloud could remember had been that it was so far away, and workers had to cross the flimsy rope and plank bridges to get out there. Of course the Nibel reactor had been built long before Cloud had been born, so maybe there had been objections to it that he didn't know about.

Watching Zack pace, the back-and-forth motion interrupted by the up-and-down induced by the heaving deck, wasn't doing anything to help Cloud's seasickness. Biting his lip, he ordered his stomach to behave itself and tried to remind himself that motion sickness was entirely psychological. His stomach wasn't listening.

"Hey, Cloud?" The sudden uncertain tone in Zack's voice made him focus again, and he found Zack had stopped pacing to crouch in front of him. The older boy had pulled his helmet off and was holding it tucked under one arm, revealing his worried expression. "Listen, I never got a chance to say at breakfast..."

Once again a hundred horrible possibilities welled up in Cloud's mind, about what Zack might have been intending to say earlier. The sudden case of extreme nerves tipped the already delicate balance he had with his equilibrium, and his body rebelled.

"Zack... I can't..." he managed to gasp out. "Move!" he blurted as he scrambled out of his seat and bolted past Zack, heading for the stairs up to the deck.

"Cloud!" Zack's worried voice came from behind him. "We're not supposed to go up there! Cloud? Cloud!"

Ignoring him in favour of reaching open air before he lost control entirely, Cloud pelted up the stairs and crashed straight into the first railing he found. He promptly lost his entire breakfast over the side, heaving helplessly. The fresh air helped a little, and the motion of the boat seemed slightly less pronounced up here, so he managed to stop throwing up after a little while and just clung weakly to the railing.

Pulling his confining helmet off he dropped it beside him, and that helped too. Planting one foot on it to keep it from rolling away, he stood there gasping in the salty air and trying not to be sick again.

"Seasick, kid?" one of the sailors asked, coming up to him. Wordlessly he nodded, and he must have looked truly miserable because the burly sailor apparently decided to take pity on him. "You troops aren't supposed to be up here, but I'll let you stay for a little while, as long as you keep out of the way. Focus on the horizon, it helps."

"Thanks," Cloud rasped out, obeying the advice and fixing his eyes on the point where the water met the sky. It did help a little, and he decided to stay up here as long as they would let him. Not only would it help his seasickness, but it would let him avoid whatever recriminations Zack was going to make about last night just a little longer. Sighing, he stared out over the water. It was going to be a long trip.

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