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Part 5
Trowa lay in darkness, still dressed, shoes still on, face down on the pillow. :They were... afraid of me. Can they really see it so clearly? I could tell, I had no expression on my face, so what was it?: He remembered the pained expression on Quatre's face, the way Wufei held Duo as though to protect the braided boy from him. :They know.: :I can't do this. I thought it would be easy, but it hurts too much. I only bother them with my presence. I'll leave in the morning.: Right then, he was too exhausted and mentally drained to think about moving, but he could stand to sleep the night in the apartment - since he was painfully aware he would have to sleep *eventually* - and then leave before anyone woke up in the morning. There was a knock at the door, a polite tap that could only belong to one person. "Hello? Trowa? May I come in, please?" Quatre. He considered not answering, but that would only exacerbate the worry he could hear in the other pilot's voice, and he couldn't stand to do that. "Come in," he said without moving more than to raise his head from the pillow. The door opened, allowing the light from the hallway to spill into the sparsely-furnished room. Trowa forced himself to sit up, seating himself on the side of the bed, rather than sprawling across it. Instead of turning on the light or saying anything, Quatre came into the room and closed the door behind him. He padded across the room and sat down on the end of the bed, far enough away that he wasn't touching Trowa, but not so far away that he couldn't reach out to him if he wanted. Trowa didn't move. "Anou... Trowa," Quatre began, the worry evident in his voice. "I wish you would tell me what's wrong." :Interesting,: Trowa thought clinically. :He doesn't request, just states his wish.: "I... can't tell you," Trowa said quietly. "May I ask why?" Quatre replied hesitantly. "It wasn't an order from the Scientists, was it?" "No." "Then why can't you tell me?" :Because you would hate me, and that would destroy me. Which is just what I deserve, but dare not risk.: Trowa struggled with himself for long moments while Quatre remained silent, watching him in the dimness. The blonde's face went through several transformations, eventually crumpling in anguish as the silence lengthened. "Oh Trowa, are you angry at me?" he cried. "Is that why? Because I can't bear that!" Trowa felt as though he'd been hit by a thunderbolt. He stared at him in astonishment. "No, Quatre! I'm not angry at you!" :Quite the opposite, in fact...: "Then what is it?" He looked away from Quatre, staring into space and folding his hands in his lap. Quatre waited for a moment, then when it became clear that Trowa wasn't going to reply, he started speaking again. "Trowa, I don't know what this mission might have been, but I don't understand why the others can know when I am not allowed to. Can it be that you don't trust me? You disappear one day, and then come back more than a month later, in an *OZ* uniform..." he trailed off, then continued in a shocked whisper. "Trowa, was it covert ops? You were infiltrating OZ?" Trowa nodded and made an affirmative sound. "And... they found out?" "That's right." "But, I don't understand," Quatre sounded utterly confused. "You don't look hurt, and you made it back here all right. What is it you're not telling me?" There was a long silence, then, in desperation, Quatre threw his arms around Trowa's neck. He buried his face in the unmoving pilot's neck. "Trowa, you *are* hurt! I can't stand not to be able to help you. Please Trowa, tell me what's wrong! I love you too much to watch you in pain like this!" Trowa stopped in the act of shifting to put his arms around the worried Quatre and abruptly stood, tearing out of the blonde's arms. "You *what*?" he exclaimed. Quatre looked small and forlorn, his legs pulled under him and to the side, his big blue eyes looking up at the taller pilot. "I said, I love you, Trowa. I have since I met you," he said quietly. Trowa reeled back, his mind full of a thousand conflicting thoughts. He grasped for one and held onto it against the onslaught. :I have to tell him, even if it kills me, I have to warn him not to love me.: He sat back down on the bed, carefully not touching Quatre, which placed him almost on his pillow, against the wall. He was determined not to waver in his resolve. He would make Quatre stop loving him. He had to.
Heero and Wufei stood over the braided pilot, who was sitting on the floor in the hallway, his ear pressed firmly against Trowa's door. Wufei stamped his foot with irritation, adding in a whisper. "Come on, Duo, you shouldn't be listening." "Shut up," Duo whispered back. "I'm trying to hear." Heero sneered at him. "You're disgusting, Duo." Duo looked up at them, a determined and haunted expression on his face. "Listen to me, Yuy, and you too, Wufei," he hissed. "I know better than anyone what Trowa's going through, and Quatre has no idea what fire he's playing with here. I want to know what's going on so I can intervene if things get ugly." Wufei's jaw dropped. "You think Trowa would hurt Quatre?" Duo shook his head, sadly. "All I know is, there's no way to know what he'll do. Now, you two get the fuck out of here and let me listen." Wufei grabbed Heero's arm and hustled him back to the living room, though it wasn't really necessary at that point. Duo put his ear back to the door and listened.
Quatre watched the emotions flickering over Trowa's face as he sat back down on the bed. He had never seen Trowa so upset, and it worried - no, scared - him. But he was determined to help Trowa, somehow. There must be something he could do. Trowa sat for a while, obviously struggling with himself, so Quatre let him work it out. Once he knew what was going on, he'd be able to help, but Trowa had to tell him first. Finally the other pilot began to speak. "I was sent on a mission to infiltrate OZ and get information out of Trieze Khushrenada. The orders included joining OZ, becoming Treize's friend, and confidant if possible, and seducing him if necessary, to get access to his files and computer. I succeeded in that, but he caught me accessing his computer, and ordered me off the base." Quatre felt his jaw drop in astonishment. His eyes filled with tears. :Oh, Trowa! Oh my God!: "T-They made you sleep with him?" Trowa flinched. "Yes." "Oh... Trowa..." Quatre said sadly, unable to say anything more. He knew most of the other pilots thought he was too innocent to have seen the pain in Trowa's eyes, but he understood more than they thought. :So, this is why he didn't want to tell me. He thought I was too innocent and wouldn't understand.: But Trowa was continuing. "I realized when Treize caught me that I was no better than he was. I used him sexually, just as I was used." "No! Trowa!" Quatre blurted out. "It's not like that at all. I mean, perhaps you hurt Treize, but it's not like rape." "Isn't it?" Quatre was struck dumb for a moment, then spoke softly. "Trowa, it's not the same. Treize is a soldier, and we are in a desperate situation, being the only five soldiers fighting a whole war. Maybe that doesn't excuse what you did and make it right, but I'm sure Treize-san would understand. What happened to you was people choosing to hurt you, simply for their own pleasure. That is very different." Trowa looked up, his green eyes, normally dead of emotion, full of pain. "Demo, Quatre, the way he looked at me... I betrayed him." "He is a strong man. He'll get over it, Trowa." "Don't you hate me for this, Quatre?" He clenched his fists. "I don't understand how you can be so..." "I love you, Trowa. I know you don't feel the same way about me, but that doesn't matter." Trowa blinked. "That's not true!" he protested, then fell silent, his eyes widening. "What's not true?" "I... I love you, too, Quatre," Trowa said quietly. Quatre couldn't stand it anymore. He threw himself into Trowa's arms again, crying with joy and sadness all at once. This time, Trowa didn't hesitate to put his arms around him and hold him. "Please, Trowa," he sobbed. "Don't hide from me anymore. I want to stand by you, and help you when you're hurt, even in my small way." "Quatre," Trowa said seriously. "You help me just by existing." The blonde pilot lifted his tear-filled eyes to meet Trowa's green depths. "Promise me you won't leave me again, Trowa. Don't push me away again." Trowa smiled, the corners of his mouth quirking up just enough that it was visible in the dimness. He leaned down slightly, and kissed Quatre on the lips, a soft, fleeting touch that was gone almost before it began. "I promise." The two boys held each other for a long time, before finally falling asleep, still wrapped in each other's arms, twin smiles on their faces. Outside the door, Duo left his post and went into the living room, where Wufei and Heero were waiting, grave expressions on their faces. He gave them a thumbs up, much to their relief. "I think things are gonna be okay for them, guys," he said with a grin. | |
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|Prologue| |Part 1| |Part 2| |Part 3| |Part 4| |Part 5| |Epilogue| |