Don't Turn Around

I will survive... without you

I remember a time when he wasn't the centre of my universe. Barely, but I do remember it. Strange, when you think about it - I spent decades, centuries even, without even knowing who he was, but after just a few short years of being with him, he is everything to me.

I remember when I was first assigned to work with him. I was furious, and resentful. I had a hard enough time working with any positive angel - their endless optimism and seemingly boundless cheerfulness always set my teeth on edge. Natural, I suppose, since I was a negative angel. But he was even worse than most. Those huge violet eyes, full of sweetness and hope. The way he tried to take the burdens of the world on himself, the way he nearly killed himself time and time again trying to fix other people's problems. I told him time and time again, we were there to observe, not to help the Earthians!

He never did listen to me. And day-by-day I found that I was enjoying the little things that had once irritated me. I looked forward to that innocent, wide-eyed look of his first thing in the morning, as he bounded out of bed to greet the possibilities of a new day. I loved his excitement at finding some new, pretty thing to exclaim over; snow sculptures, paintings, stained glass, buildings... anything and everything could be a beautiful experience to him.

He changed me, turned my life upside down, and if I could go back and do it all over again I wouldn't do it differently. Not if it meant I couldn't have him. He was worth Falling for, a hundred times over. And as I watch him sleeping now, one hand tucked up under his cheek, sweet lips pursed in a tiny frown, I wonder if I would know how to survive without him any more.

Don't tell me that you want to leave

I lean against the wall of the shower, cursing quietly as the warm water streams over me. Why is he pulling away from me? Doesn't he understand that I would do anything for him, give up anything to be with him? Didn't I prove that, when I chose to Fall rather than lose him?

Why does he still have this damnable fascination for black-winged angels? I thought he was past all that. He has me, I love him just as he is, black wings and all. His darkness had never repulsed me as it did some angels; rather it had fascinated me, drawn me to him. It only hurts him when he chases after these other Lucifers, these others like him. They are NOT like him - their colouring is an indication of sickness, of death, while his has been with him since birth. On them the blackness is wrong; on him it is right, perfectly right. Why can't he see that?

He can't stop thinking about the black-winged angel we'd been forced to leave behind in Ashiya's lab, the one who had died in the explosion. I can see it in the dullness of his eyes, in the flatness of his voice when he speaks, in the stiff way he holds himself when I try to embrace him. His obsession is tearing him apart - tearing US apart, and now he has gone so far as to turn away from me in bed.

Viciously I reach out and turn the hot water off, letting the now freezing spray chill my overheated body. What can I do to make him come back to me?

If you want to leave, I won't beg you to stay

And if you gotta go, darling, maybe it's better that way.

Still he pulls away from me. I don't know where he got this insane idea that Messiah lives, but the certainty of it drives him night and day. It's like there is a wall between us, some impenetrable barrier that I cannot breach no matter how I try. He tells me that I don't understand, can't possibly understand the connection between them. Well, perhaps I can't. Kami-sama knows his reasoning on just about everything else in life escapes me!

It's all I can do not to beg him to look at me, to forget about this Messiah and come back to my arms where he belongs. Is it possible, can it be that my love for him is stronger than his for me? Am I doomed to lose him, because of the colour of my wings? How ironic that it is now the white-winged one who finds himself the outsider, the outcast. Is this a glimpse of how he felt, all those years when the others whispered about him behind his back?

If so, then perhaps this is for the best. If he cannot love me wholeheartedly, if he cannot give everything to me as I give everything to him, perhaps it truly was not meant to be between us.

I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna do fine, don't worry about this heart of mine,

Walk out that door, see if I care, go on and go, but

So he was right - Messiah lives, and obviously returns Chihaya's feelings, enough so to turn the city upside down with his powers. I watch him, small dark head bent over the keyboard as his fingers fly over the keys, working to pinpoint the source of the disturbance. I can see the excitement in the tenseness of his shoulders, hear his happiness in his voice. There was a time when that particular expression of joy was reserved for me alone, and my heart aches as I recall it.

He is up out of his chair now, babbling excitedly as he waves the printout at me. Before I can even nod, he is bolting out the door, his wings already stretching out behind him. I follow more slowly, trying to ignore the ache building in my heart. Why can't I stop this progression of events, events that seem to lead inevitably to his leaving me?

Don't turn around, 'cause you're gonna see my heart breaking,

Don't turn around, I don't want you seeing me cry - just walk away,

It's tearing me apart that you're leaving,

I'm letting you go, but I won't let you know,

I won't let you know.

As we fly, his eyes are fixed firmly ahead of him, shining with anticipation and hope. He doesn't even look at me as I fly beside him, so intent is he on his destination. I'm not even sure he realizes I'm there at all.

I am losing him, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to stop it from happening. Indeed, the more he pulls away from me, the more I withdraw into my own shell of cold gruffness. I can't let him see how this is affecting me. He is too sensitive, too kind-hearted; if he knew how close he is coming to destroying me, he would stay with me out of a sense of duty. There is a part of him that loves me still, I know, and he would rather break his own heart than hurt me. But in time that love would turn to resentment, regret at the lost opportunity, and I couldn't bear to see the love between us degrade even further. If I must give him up to see him happy, then I will - I love him that much, even now.

But I must not let him see it tearing me apart. He must not know how much I ache to hold him, to whisper sweet words in his ear as we lay in the aftermath of our lovemaking. Above all, he must not ever see the tears that are locked away in my heart.

I won't miss your arms around me,

Holding me tight... holding me tight,

And if you ever think about me,

Just know that I'll be all right... I'll be all right,

It's all I can do not to cry out in pain as I watch them embrace in midair. They look so perfect together, black and silver wings streaming out behind them as they dart and weave around each other. They joy on their faces is simple, pure - they have found someone who can understand them. It is a circle I cannot join, a feeling I cannot share, and I am decidedly a third wheel.

He's forgotten about my existence, I can see it in the way all of his attention is focussed completely on Messiah. I hover there, my face impassive and my eyes betraying nothing of the lump in my throat, watching. Only watching.

I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna do fine, don't worry about this heart of mine,

I will survive, I'll make it through,

I'll even learn to live without you,

Can I survive without him? Can I function with him gone, when he's been the whole of my life for so long now? It seems I'm going to get a chance to find out. I'd always thought the term 'heartbreak' was overdramatic; now, for the first time in my life, I truly understood how a single moment in time could shatter your heart beyond repair.

Kami-sama knows, it will be a cold, lonely existence, here on earth so far from the home I once loved, so far from anyone that understands me. The prospect of trying to make a life for myself, alone among the Earthians, chills me. Now, too late, I begin to understand Chihaya's feelings of being cut off from everyone else around him, different... strange.

I wish I could scream out loud that I love you,

I wish I could say to you, "Don't go..."

I love you! Don't leave me alone! The words stick in my throat, caught by the lump of the tears I won't shed. I will not lower myself to that, to begging. I will not force him to choose between us that way. The naked joy on his face as they cavort through the air like a pair of children is all I need to see to tell me that I am not needed any more.

"Farewell, lover," I whisper instead, knowing he will not hear me. I will leave them to each other, secure in the love of someone who understands them. I will be there if ever he needs me, but just now I cannot bear the sight of them together.

They catch an updraft, soaring up into the air with their arms still around each other. All I need to do is tilt my wings slightly, to catch the same draft and follow them. Instead I tuck my wings around me, turning my flight into a steep dive. I will wait for them on the ground while they finish their greeting, and that will give me time to compose myself for what I know is to come. Already I can feel myself drawing away from him, my heart wrapping itself in the layers of icy aloofness that once served me so well.

The wind streams through my hair and feathers as I pull myself out of the dive, numbing the skin of my face and making my eyes water from the force. If some of the tears stem from the ache in my heart rather than the wind in my eyes, no one but I will ever know.

As he walks away he feels the pain getting strong,

Return to Miscellaneous Page

Return to the Main Index

Email Miko no da