Part 11

It was somewhere between three and four in the morning when the cab carrying Akaya back from the hospital neared his new neighbourhood. Yukimura's family had come out to assure them that their son was at least still alive shortly after Kamio left, but it wasn't until endless hours later that they at last heard the final verdict.

Yukimura Seiichi, the best player at Rikkaidai and arguably the best of his age in the nation, was probably never going to pick up a racquet again. He'd certainly never be able to play at any kind of tournament level, let alone follow his dream to become a professional. The highly experimental surgery that had remapped his damaged nerves and allowed him to function normally again had failed, catastrophically and all at once. He was worse off now than he had been when he'd gone in for the surgery, and though his life was in no danger it was going to be a long, hard road to even partial recovery.

There'd been a lot of swearing in that room when they heard the news, and more than a few tears shed. Akaya refused to be ashamed that he was one of the ones who'd cried - was still crying now, in fact, though he'd been reduced mostly to sniffles. It was more than just grief at the waste of such a promising life; it was rage. Rage at the uncaring gods who'd inflicted this on someone so undeserving, rage at the doctors who'd performed the surgery and who had missed the subtle signs that it was failing to hold up over time, and most of all rage at himself that there was nothing, nothing he could do to change it or make it the least bit better for one of the two most precious people in his life.

The oni was there, always there, breathing down his neck and clawing at his skin. It wasn't screaming for once, but he wished it were; it was whispering, endless whispering that he couldn't tune out and couldn't ignore. It was feeding his rage, trying to provoke him into some form of violence. He'd been denying it for a long time now, and it was hungry, so hungry. It got stronger the further he got from the distraction his ex-teammates had provided, left alone as he was with his thoughts to brood. The cab driver was no help, he was surly and kept looking nervously back at Akaya in his mirror. Probably because he'd been muttering to himself for some time now, hands over his ears in a futile attempt to drown or block out the demon.

He didn't realize he'd started increasing his own volume to compensate for the increasing strength of the oni until the cab suddenly came to a halt at the curb, and he glanced up through wild eyes to see they were still a couple blocks away from his destination. "What..."

"Out of the car," the cab driver ordered him gruffly. "If you're gonna snap and go nuts, you're not doing it where you can reach me. Out!"

Staring at him in shocked disbelief, Akaya blurted out, "You can't do that! Niou paid already, Akira's waiting and I can't lose my games tomorrow, have to get home..."

"Out!" the man ordered again, raising a baseball bat he apparantly kept in the front seat for use to 'encourage' druken fares to behave themselves. Feeling his rage and the fury of the demon rise suddenly to a peak and knowing that if he stayed a moment longer he was going to lash out at the man, Akaya scrambled out of the car. He'd barely closed the door before the man took off, leaving a very angry, beleaguered fourteen-year-old standing alone on a sidewalk in the middle of the night in a lower middle-class neighbourhood.

Desperately, Akaya tried to think past the rage. He was right by the single tennis court where he and Kamio often played. It wasn't far to home, but the demon was making it so hard to focus he wasn't sure he could get there on his own. He needed help... Kamio was closer, could get to him faster, but he didn't want his lover to see him like this. If he could just call Niou, if he could find his phone and actually hear anything over the oni's voice...

Gritting his teeth, he held his hands over his ears and tried to ignore the oni, who had gone back to taunting him. It was trying to tell him now that it was his fault Yukimura was back in the hospital, that the oni had done it because Akaya wouldn't listen to it. In its voice was an echo of all the accusations his mother had flung at him over the years, and especially recently, about the hardships his poor family had endured because they were cursed with his presence. "You're not real, you're not real, shut up and leave me alone, you're not real!" he snarled at it.

A very solid and real hand landed squarely on his shoulder, and Akaya panicked. Dear gods, it had taken solid form, it was real... he screamed and bolted, headed instinctively for the tennis court.

On the sidewalk behind him was a very confused and bewildered salaryman, returning home late from the obligatory karaoke session with his superiors and coworkers. He'd stopped to ask the boy if he were all right, but the strange teen had run away at his touch before he could say a word. His alcohol-fogged brain thought perhaps he ought to do something, like follow the boy or report him somehow... but then he shrugged and turned away. Good boys wouldn't be out at this time of night anyway.

Kamio jerked out of a sound sleep at the sound of his phone, then yelled as the entire left side of his neck and back spasmed at once. He’d started off pacing, worried about Akaya and how he’d react if the news about Yukimura wasn’t good. After a while, he’d gotten tired of that and sat down to wait, sitting up on his bed and trying to focus on some homework, but he’d obviously fallen asleep, slumped half on his side in a very uncomfortable position.

The cellphone rang again and he dove for it, swearing and digging his fingers into his neck to try to release the spasm as he fumbled for his phone. He hit the button and brought it to his ear. “Akaya?!” he gasped, catching sight of his clock and realizing what time it was. It HAD to be Akaya, no one else would be calling him this late.

"Shit, I take it that means he's not gotten home safely," a somewhat familiar voice on the other end replied. "Sorry to wake you, it's Niou. Akaya promised to call me to let me know he'd gotten home okay, but I haven't heard from him and he's not answering his phone. Any chance he snuck past you and just fell asleep?"

“Fuck!” Kamio swore, jumping to his feet and pounding out of his bedroom. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I’m checking,” he said, hurrying down the hall to Akaya’s room and throwing the door open.

The room was totally undisturbed from when he'd last seen it, that morning as they were getting ready for school and the rankings. There was no sign that Akaya had been there at any point since then.

"Your silence does not sound promising," Niou said dryly. He sounded exhausted and more than a little upset. "Fuck, we should have sent someone with him to make sure he got home okay, but none of us is thinking very clearly. I... what?" There was the sound of a deep voice on the other end, too far from the phone for Kamio to make out the words. "No, he's not. Yeah, do that. Listen, Kamio?" he returned his attention to the phone conversation. "Yagyuu and I are gonna start checking his usual haunts around here, but we did put him in a cab headed for your place. Chances are he's somewhere near you. Do you have any idea where he might have gone?"

Kamio tried to calm down his panicking mind long enough to think. “Yeah,” he said. “There’s a court nearby that he always seems to go to when he’s upset. I’ll check there,” he was already hurrying down the steps and slipping into his shoes. “If he’s not there, I have no idea what happened to him, though.”

"Let's hope he's there, then," Niou replied grimly. "I don't really want to think about him wandering around in the state he's probably in. Not at this time of night, not in that neighbourhood. Fucking hell." He hesitated, then added reluctantly, "Chances are you're going to have to talk him down when you find him. If his eyes are red or he seems really aggressive, keep your distance. He trusts you, so you should be able to at least get him calmed down a bit."

“Okay,” Kamio said, hurrying down the street towards the court, his cellphone still glued to his ear. “I’ll be careful, I promise. He already made me promise to keep my distance if his eyes go red. I’ve got your number in my phone now, so I’ll call you back when I know something, okay?”

"Yeah, okay," Niou agreed. "Good luck. And Kamio? He's more likely to be scared out of his mind than anything else, given the stress he's under. Go easy on him, okay? You can spazz at him later for not telling you what was going on with him, when he's not as likely to freak out if you get mad on him. Call me if you have any trouble."

With that he hung up, leaving only the soft beeping in Kamio's ear. He was already almost to the court; at first he thought he'd been wrong and Akaya wasn't there, and then he saw the figure huddled into the darkest corner of the fenced in area. Akaya was crouched in a defensive position, eyes closed as he murmured over and over again in an attempt to convince himself, "Not real, it's not real, can't hurt me, not real!"

Why would he be AFRAID? Kamio thought, the instant before he saw Akaya. He drew in a breath, his eyes widening. Akaya certainly LOOKED afraid, and he was talking to himself, too. He approached slowly, nervous. Akaya’s eyes were closed, so he couldn’t see the colour of his eyes, but he certainly didn’t seem aggressive. “Akaya?” he called as he drew closer. “Akaya, it’s Akira. I’ve been looking for you.”

"Akira?" Akaya's head jerked up, and he stared at his lover, panicked. The oni's attention was diverted as well, and if it got to Kamio he'd have no protection... "No! Get out of here, or it'll get you too... NO, damn it," he cut himself off viciously, squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn't have to see it hovering over Kamio. "It's NOT. REAL."

Kamio’s eyes were wide and nervous. He took another step towards Akaya and knelt down, reaching out towards him carefully. “Hey, it’s OK,” he said. “There’s nothing that’s going to get me.” He swallowed hard. What was wrong with him? “What are you afraid of, Akaya?”

"The oni," Akaya whimpered, shaking his head. "I can't... I can't... it's too loud. And it touched me, I swear to gods I felt it touch me but it can't because it's not real, right?" He opened his eyes and fixed his gaze on Kamio's face, pleading with him. "It's not real, right? Yukimura said... but I felt it touch me and if it can touch me it can hurt me and maybe it really can eat my soul like it's always saying... but if it's not real and I felt it then am I going even more crazy than I already am?"

“It’s not real,” Kamio said fervently. “It’s really not real. I can’t see any oni, Akaya. Maybe there’s some other reason why you thought it touched you, but you’re not…you’re not going crazy.” He threw his arms around Akaya and hugged him tightly, praying for him to calm down.

Akaya was trembling, and he clung to Kamio fiercely. "Then it's not my fault, right?" he begged, voice muffled because he had his face buried in the redhead's shoulder. "Yukimura didn't really get sick because I've been ignoring it? If it's not real then it couldn't really have done that. Any of it. Right? Oh gods..." he flinched as it started laughing at him, telling him how pathetic he was. "I didn't want you to see me like this..."

“Of course it’s not your fault!” Kamio exclaimed. “Who told you it was your fault? What have you been ignoring?” he was completely confused, wondering if Akaya was really a lot crazier than he’d thought. Delusions? He’s really getting delusions?

"I don't want to hurt people any more," Akaya replied, shaking his head slightly. "I don't want to, but it gets so mad. And it's so hard not to listen to it, when I know that if I did I could win the match easy... and I can't lose my temper, I can't. Then it can get in, take over, and I have to..." he pulled back enough to see Kamio's face, and broke off with a bitter laugh. "I sound crazy, don't I? You guys always said I was, after what I did to Tachibana. But I bet you didn't think you were really right, did you? I'm surprised they didn't tell you. Who told you to come look for me?"

Kamio kept hold of Akaya, still hugging him tightly. “Uh, Niou called to make sure you got home OK,” he said. “I should call him back and let him know that I found you. He and Yagyuu were worried.” He reached up and stroked Akaya’s hair. “Whatever you’re talking about, Akaya, I’m not going to push you away or decide I don’t like you, okay?”

"Don't you get it?" Agitated, Akaya tried to push him away again, though not very hard. "Don't you understand? I'm nuts, Akira. Psy-cho-tic, in the literal sense of the word! That..." he gestured wildly at the oni still looming over both of them, and flinched when it leered at him and laughed. "That thing, it's there, it's always there and when I don't fight it I hurt people, and when I do fight it, it hurts people. My father, Yukimura..." he shook his head. "Sometimes I wonder if my mother and I aren't right after all, and it's just the rest of you who can't see it. It's there, I can see it, I can hear it, it's real... except it isn't." He laughed bitterly. "Because I'm just crazy. How can you not push me away?"

Kamio was surprised by the first shove, but he kept hold of Akaya’s arms. He grabbed the other boy’s face and turned him, forcing Akaya to look into his eyes. “Look at me, Akaya,” he said desperately. “That…that thing isn’t real. It didn’t hurt ANYONE. And I’m not going to push you away because…” He swallowed hard, closing his head and leaning his forehead against Akaya’s. “Because I love you, okay? I know you don’t love me, but I can’t help it. I love you.”

"You can't love me," Akaya replied brokenly, despairing conviction in his words. "No one can. I'm either crazy or posessed or both, I'm an unfeeling bastard more often than I'm not - how could anyone love that?" There were tears on his cheeks again. "My own mother hates and fears me, why should anyone else be different?" They were the same words his mother and the oni had both thrown at him time and time again, until it felt like they were burned into his brain. "You deserve better than someone who's only going to hurt you again and again. Even if I do maybe l-lo... care about you in my saner moments, when I start losing it I stop being able to feel that."

“Do you care about me now?” Kamio whispered, winding his arms around Akaya, his forehead still pressed to the other boy’s forehead. His heart leapt at the near confession. “Tell me the truth. Please!”

"Do I seem like I'm having a sane moment to you?" Akaya snapped back, unable to keep himself from being irritated. He was trembling in Kamio's arms, so scared he was about to lose one of the best things in his life but unable to say the words Kamio wanted to hear. "I can't think when I'm like this, let alone feel anything. Everything just shuts down." He shook his head, frustrated. Then he added softly, so softly Kamio almost didn't hear him, "But I think it'd kill me to lose you now. That's why I didn't tell you."

“It sounds to me like you care,” Kamio whispered. “Even if you can’t say it. You haven’t hurt me, you’re afraid to lose me.” He tightened his grip. “And I don’t want to lose you. I don’t care what you see.” And he was amazed to discover that it was true. Part of him had always known, it seemed, even if he didn’t know the details. Knowing the details only made it tangible, only made it easier for him to understand. It wasn’t that Kirihara was a violent person, or that he enjoyed hurting people.

It was that he was sick.

And as Kamio had come to know over the last months, Akaya not only knew he was sick, he was determined to try to fight it, so that he wouldn’t continue to hurt the ones he loved.

"You..." Akaya's voice was shaking as badly as the rest of him, and he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "You're as crazy as I am, you know that?" He bit his lip, and a horrible thought struck him. "Am I hallucinating you too now? That's the only thing that makes sense, you're too good to be true." It was so hard to tell sometimes that the oni wasn't real... could he now be having delusions of someone other than the oni? Lifting one trembling hand, he touched Kamio's cheek lightly. "I can feel you... I can't usually feel it..."

“You’re NOT hallucinating me,” Kamio said firmly. He turned his head, nuzzling into Akaya’s hand. “I’m real, Akaya,” he said softly. “And maybe I am crazy, but if I am, then I’ve been crazy all this time, from when I let you onto the tennis team, to when I invited you to stay in my house, to when I became your boyfriend. And all of those were good things, right?”

"Good for me," Akaya replied. "Not so sure it'll be good for you in the end. Akira..." he swallowed hard. "I don't deserve you," he whispered. "I don't deserve anything nearly as good as you, not after everything I've done."

“Stop that!” Kamio snapped, glaring at him. “It doesn’t have anything to do with what you deserve. And I think you deserve me, hell, I think you deserve far better than someone as awkward and stupid as I am,” he added with a blush. “And as far as I’m concerned, after everything you’ve gone through, you deserve something good in your life.”

"All right," Akaya gave in, feeling helpless. He wanted to protect Kamio from what he knew was going to happen in the end... but the redhead was stubborn, as he had reason to know. And if Kamio was going to insist on staying with him, Akaya didn't really have the strength of will to protest when it was something he wanted so badly, too. "All right. But don't say I didn't warn you when you get sick of dealing with me."

“I could say the same to you,” Kamio said, frowning at him. “And don’t you dare push me away to protect me, Akaya. I get to decide whether I want to stay with you, understand?”

Shaking his head, Akaya shifted so he could rest against Kamio's shoulder again, face turned into his neck so he wouldn't have to look at the oni. He could still hear it, but having Kamio there in his arms was a good distraction. "I should call Niou,' he muttered. "Call off the manhunt. Last thing they all need is to be worrying about me too." He fumbled for his phone in his pocket, though he made it more difficult for himself by refusing to let go of Kamio.

“Give it a few more minutes,” Kamio whispered, grabbing Akaya’s hand and bringing it to his lips. Despite the cold air that whipped across them, he felt warm, and somehow safe. “I love you, Akaya,” he murmured.

"I..." Akaya shivered in his arms, not from cold but from fear. He respected and admired his former Rikkai teammates, and considered them friends, but the only other person in his life he'd truly given a damn for had been Yukimura. What if it really was the oni that had made the older boy so sick? What if it did it to Kamio too, if he ever acknowledged how much the redhead meant to him?

No. It's not real, damn it. It can't hurt anyone. It can't. But he still wasn't sure he could just say something like that. "I'm not sure I know what love is," he finally admitted. "I don't know if I'm really capable of feeling it, or if I'd recognize it if I did. But you and Yukimura are the most important people to me." The shiver turned into a shudder. "The whole time we were waiting, I kept thinking about what it'd have been like if it'd been you I was waiting for news about. I think that panicked me more than anything."

Kamio felt his cheeks warm. “That’s good enough for me, Akaya,” he said softly. “I know you’re capable of feeling it, because…I think maybe you do. At least, I don’t think that you’d be so upset about the idea of me or Yukimura being hurt if you didn’t love us.”

"Maybe," Akaya was willing to acknowledge. Glancing around and really realizing for the first time where they were, he gave a short laugh. "Sorry to drag you out here in the middle of the night. It's been a really shitty day. But I think I'm stable enough to deal now." Sighing, he caught Kamio's hand in his and twined their fingers together. "Thanks, lover. For everything today."

Kamio smiled softly. “You’re welcome,” he murmured, squeezing Akaya’s hand. “And thanks for letting me come along to the hospital – and for trusting me. It really means a lot.” He leaned forward and brushed his lips softly over Akaya’s. “Next time, I’ll do better about distracting you from the... oni, or whatever it is you see,” he whispered, his voice husky with promise.

Kissing him back, Akaya put everything he had into the embrace. When Kamio was holding him like this, he'd discovered, he felt safe... and it was a lot harder to hear the oni over the rush of pleasure. "Just stay with me," he murmured when they pulled away again. "Stay with me, and be patient with me when I flip out, because I will sometimes." He nuzzled close. Maybe, just maybe, this was going to work out after all. For the first time, he was truly, totally grateful that he'd come to Fudoumine.

|Prologue| |Part 1| |Part 2| |Part 3| |Part 4| |Part 5| |Part 6| |Part 7| |Part 8| |Part 9| |Part 10| |Part 11|

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