Chapter 11

"Remind me again why you think it's a good idea to give this asshole another chance to break your heart?" Amano was curled up on the corner of the bed, leaning against the wall, a sheaf of music paper in his lap. He wasn't paying any attention to his half-finished music class assignment, however; his silver eyes were fixed on Ohtori in an expression perilously close to accusation.

Sighing, Ohtori pulled his racquet out of his bag and inspected it. "Kazuya, we've been over this," he said patiently for at least the twentieth time that weekend. "I'm just going out to play tennis with him. That does not constitute 'giving him another chance to break my heart'. It's just a game, just practice."

The strings were tight enough, but the grip was looking a bit frayed. He started picking the tape off, stripping the handle so he could redo it. He didn't look back over his shoulder to meet his boyfriend's eyes; he already knew what he'd see there.

"What happened to you swearing you were never going to speak to him again?" Amano demanded, and Ohtori could feel him trying to stare holes into his back. The taller boy sighed, and fished a roll of grip tape out of the bag.

"That was before he came to beg for forgiveness," Ohtori replied. He wrapped the new tape smoothly around the bare grip with practiced twists of his wrist, listening to the odd squeaking sound the tape made. "I never expected him to go that far." His eyes softened at the memory.

Abandoning all pretense of concentrating on his homework, Amano shoved the papers aside and moved to perch on the edge of the bed next to Ohtori. "After everything he did to you, how can anything be enough to make you forgive him? I saw how badly he hurt you, Choutarou." He reached out and placed one hand on Ohtori's shoulder, squeezing gently.

With another sigh, Ohtori stopped winding the tape and turned to him. "I haven't forgiven him," he told his boyfriend seriously. "I haven't even begun to forgive him. But Kazuya," he bit his lip and shook his head. "You weren't there, you didn't see him. He was seriously willing to give up playing for the school in high school, if that was what it took to get me to talk to him again."

"How do you know he wasn't just calling your bluff?" Amano persisted, concern joining the accusation in his eyes. "You're too nice for your own good sometimes Choutarou, and he's got to know you well enough to realize that. Maybe he knew you wouldn't make him go through with it."

Stubbornly, Ohtori shook his head again. "No. He really was going to do it. Remember, I've seen him in that position once before. I know what it looks like when he really is willing to do anything to get something that means that much to him." There was still a hint of awe in his voice as he thought about it. "And the only other thing he's ever been willing to beg for was exactly the thing he was ready to give up for me." He gave the smaller boy a helpless look. "How could I not at least give him a chance to make things right, after that?"

"I still think you're crazy," Amano said, scowling as he stood to pace. He'd said the same thing repeatedly over the weekend, ever since Friday night when his family had returned home and Ohtori had called to tell him what had happened. Ohtori had come to spend the night in the hopes of reassuring his boyfriend that he was not in any way returning to his infatuation with Shishido, but it didn't seem to be helping.

"So you've said," Ohtori replied, trying to make it a joke. His voice came out sounding more weary than amused, however, and he grimaced. Honestly, he appreciated his boyfriend's worry over him. Many people in their class thought Amano was cold and unfeeling, but Ohtori knew it was just that the pianist felt so deeply about the people he cared about, that he was scared to let himself connect to anyone. His fierce protectiveness of Ohtori was just an example of that. But it did get wearing after a while.

"I just don't want to see you hurt again, damn it!" Amano exclaimed, turning back to him in frustration. "Gods, Choutarou, I thought you were never going to get over him last time. I don't want to see you go through that again!"

A pang of guilt went through Ohtori, and he set the half-finished racquet aside and stood. The 'last time' had been after Shishido's birthday, and a lesser person than Amano would have left Ohtori then. After all, they'd already been going out for two weeks at the time, and Ohtori had been assuring the pianist that he no longer harboured any feelings for his doubles partner. His heartbreak when Shishido had completely cut him out had put the lie to his words, however, and he'd been horribly sure he was going to lose Amano as well. Who wanted a boyfriend who was pining after someone else?

Amano had stayed with him, though. He'd never wavered, just held Ohtori through the worst of it and assured him over and over that it was Shishido's loss, and not something Ohtori was responsible for. Ohtori didn't think he'd have gotten over the emotional agony of it nearly as quickly without the pianist's help; hell, he'd probably still be crying himself to sleep at night over his former partner.

His boyfriend deserved so much more from him than Ohtori could ever hope to give him. He certainly didn't deserve to have to worry about Ohtori going back to Shishido, but who could blame him for feeling that way? Though neither of them had ever said anything out loud, they both knew that if Shishido had shown any sign of returning Ohtori's feelings immediately after his confession, it would be the senior that Ohtori was with now.

How could he not be worried that the same thing was still true, and Ohtori agreeing to play with Shishido was just the first step in the senior wooing him away? No, Ohtori didn't blame Amano in the least for feeling insecure. All he could do was try to answer that fear as best he could.

Reaching out, Ohtori caught the smaller boy's shoulder in one hand, using the other to tip his chin upwards. Staring down into half-panicked silver eyes, Ohtori firmly declared, "You don't have to worry, Kazuya. He is not going to hurt me like that again. He can't."

"How do you know?" Amano insisted, staring back up at him, his lips a thin white line of tension. "Damn it, Choutarou, maybe he's willing to give things up now to be with you again, but what happens the next time something frightens him? How can you possibly be so sure that he won't hurt you again?"

"Because he can't," Ohtori replied, his voice soft but steady. "He can't, Kazuya." Silver eyes looked up at him in incomprehension, and he shook his head. "He can't. Because he doesn't have that kind of power over me any more." He gave his boyfriend a wry grin. "The only person with that kind of hold on me now is you. So stop worrying. At the moment Shishido-san is nothing more than my doubles partner. At best, in time he might be a good friend again, but that's going to be a long time in coming."

This time it was Amano's turn to reach out, as he wrapped his arms around Ohtori's waist and leaned his cheek against the taller boy's shoulder. "I'm sorry," the pianist apologized softly. "I know I must be driving you nuts. I just can't bear to see you hurt like that again. I love you, Choutarou."

"I know." Ohtori nuzzled into the dark, silky hair, breathing in the scent of the shampoo the smaller boy favoured. "I care about you too," he replied softly. His words weren't as strong as Amano's declaration, and he'd never yet been able to use words that strong. He was too skittish, after what had happened with Shishido. But that didn't make what he felt any less real, and words weren't all that important anyway. What was important was what Ohtori did, and he wasn't going to do anything that would make Amano doubt his feelings.

Glancing at the clock over Amano's shoulder, Ohtori winced. "I have to go, or I'm going to be really late," he declared, pulling away a bit. Before the smaller boy could protest or pout at him, he leaned down and kissed him swiftly. "Stop worrying," he commanded firmly, stepping back and reaching down to grab his racquet. Quickly he finished winding the tape, and squeezed it a couple times to check the feel of the grip. Satisfied, he shoved it back in his bag.

"Just be careful," Amano pleaded with him one last time as he prepared to go. "And call me when you get home, okay? I want to hear that everything went all right."

"I will, but don't expect it to be soon," Ohtori warned him as his boyfriend walked him to the front door. At Amano's sideways look, he shrugged and elaborated, "Considering how badly out of practice we both are, we're probably going to be playing all afternoon. Just think of how long you and I would need to practice, if we hadn't touched our instruments in months."

Amano grimaced at the very thought, and Ohtori laughed. They'd reached the door, and he shoved his feet into his court shoes, bending down to tie them quickly. "Stop worrying," he commanded once more, still laughing. "I'll talk to you tonight." Glancing around to make sure none of Amano's family were in sight, he leaned in for one more quick kiss, and then he was on his way out the door.

Once outside, he took a deep breath and enjoyed the way the chilly air burned his throat on the way down. The winter sun wasn't strong enough for him to actually feel it, but it was shining brightly, the dusting of snow on the ground just enough to reflect the light back at him and make him squint. Shifting so his bag was more secure on his shoulder, Ohtori broke into a jog and was surprised to realize he had a rather stupid grin on his face.

He hadn't been this happy in a long time. Even if his relationship with Shishido was strictly professional right now, there was still the possibility that it could repair itself further. He was playing tennis actively again, something he hadn't realized how much he'd missed until Shishido had apologized to him last week. His music was better than ever thanks to the way he'd had to push himself to keep up with Amano's sheer talent, and instead of pining away over an unrequited crush, he had a loving boyfriend. Other than the still somewhat rocky relationship with Shishido, Ohtori couldn't think of a single thing in his life that he would want or need to improve.

By the time he reached the building that housed the indoor courts near where he lived, the burn in his lungs and legs was starting to get to him. He paused outside the door, walking slowly back and forth as he panted to get his air back. Grimacing, he stretched out a muscle that was threatening to cramp in his calf. He was sorely out of condition, and it was really showing in his games with Shishido. He still believed leaving the tennis club had been the right decision for him to make, but he obviously needed to spend more time making sure he didn't get entirely out of shape.

Once he had his wind back he made his way inside. Reassuring Amano had taken him a while, and for once he was the one who was late to meet Shishido instead of the other way around. Although, he admitted with an amused grin, Shishido had obviously been making an extreme effort to get to all their arranged meetings on time.

This would be the fourth time they'd played since Shishido had apologized a little over a week ago. Ohtori had the feeling Shishido would have been happy to suggest playing ever day, the way they'd done over the last school break, but Ohtori had been too wary to agree to that. He didn't want to rush into this, or try to act like nothing had changed and they could just return to their previous behaviour patterns. He'd meant what he said about Shishido having to earn his trust back, and he didn't want either of them to forget it.

Shishido was already waiting for him in the court they'd reserved, hitting a ball repeatedly against the wall. He turned as the door opened, and offered Ohtori a grin. "Hey, Choutarou! What'd you do, sleep through your alarm?"

"Unlike some people, I'm not inclined to sleep in past lunch even if I don't set an alarm," Ohtori replied with a small smile in return. "I got into a conversation with Kazuya that turned out to be longer than I'd expected, that's all. I'm sorry for being late."

He didn't miss the hint of shadow that flickered through Shishido's dark blue eyes at his boyfriend's name, but the older boy only laughed and shrugged. "Can't be helped, I guess," Shishido commented easily, and only someone who knew him as well as Ohtori would have been able to read the hidden resentment in his eyes.

It wasn't the first indication he'd had that Shishido didn't like his boyfriend. Ohtori ignored this one as he had ignored all the others, dropping his bag on the bench beside the court and fishing for his racquet instead. It was odd to have their positions so thoroughly reversed; not only was Shishido now the one who had to go seeking him, but now it was Shishido harbouring the unrequited feelings for Ohtori. Small wonder he resented Amano; the pianist both 'stole' Ohtori's time from him, and was the recipient of the taller boy's affections.

It didn't take much to get Ohtori to admit to himself that he'd have been far more than just 'resentful' if Shishido had been the one to start going out with someone, last term. Given the senior's temper, Ohtori was actually a little surprised that resentment was all he had to deal with. Well, Shishido knew full well that he had only himself to blame for losing his chance with Ohtori, and what was more, he knew that Ohtori knew it too.

In some ways he was glad that the tables had been turned, that Shishido was now feeling some of the pain he'd gone through. Perhaps it was petty of him, but Ohtori couldn't help feeling a bit vindicated. It did make him inclined to be just a bit more forgiving, though, because he knew exactly how much Shishido was suffering right now.

Once he'd gotten over his denial of his own feelings, the senior had made no real attempt to hide the way he felt about Ohtori. At the same time, however, he'd never done or said a single thing to push his feelings on the younger boy, something Ohtori was grateful for. It really was an exact reversal of their previous relationship, except that they weren't nearly as close and Ohtori was aware of how Shishido felt.

"You ready?" he asked as he shoved some balls in his pockets and moved to one end of the court. Shishido nodded, twirling his racquet on the end of his finger as he waited for Ohtori to get into position. "Are we playing a game, or just rallying for a while?" the younger boy wanted to know.

"Let's just rally for a while, until you're warmed up," Shishido replied, dropping his racquet and catching it neatly by the grip. "I think I want a bit more warming up myself before I have to face that damned serve of yours."

Laughing, Ohtori sent one of the balls over the net in a relatively easy feed, and they started the rally.

By the end of the time they'd reserved the court for, they'd played three full games and run through a tonne of exercises, and they were both panting and dripping with sweat. Ohtori had often heard sub-Regulars and non-Regulars in the tennis club complain about Atobe's 'brutal practices', and about Hiyoshi's as well after the seniors had retired. What none of them had ever seemed to understand was that you didn't get to be a Regular unless you were willing to drive yourself that hard, and then some. And if he and Shishido wanted to get their game in shape to have any hope of winning tournaments, they had a hell of a lot of work to do.

They were improving, though. As he drained his water bottle, Ohtori glanced over to see Shishido doing the same, and smiled internally. They were starting to get their rhythm back, and more importantly, their synchronicity. One of their practice rounds had been a 'match' against the wall, using only half the court and playing in doubles formation. They'd improved a great deal since that last disasterous game with Atobe and Jirou.

"Well, we still suck, but at least we're not utterly pathetic any more," Shishido commented, echoing Ohtori's thoughts. The senior dumped the rest of his water over his head, and Ohtori briefly wished he hadn't drunk all of his so he could do the same. They were both flushed and overheated.

"We really need to do some endurance training, though," he commented ruefully, handing the older boy a towel before he could ask for it. "You're going to have to start playing three set matches next year, and it certainly couldn't hurt me to train for that a year early."

"Be interesting to see how people like Mukahi deal with having to play three sets," Shishido snickered, shaking his head to rid his hair of the worst of the water before rubbing the towel briskly over it. "He gets exhausted by the end of one set, sometimes. Damn, I wish you were in my year. It's a pain that we have to wait two years to play together again."

"Only in school tournaments," Ohtori reminded him. "There are still plenty of independent tournaments for us to sign up for. And we won't have to worry about our team losing even if we win, in those."

"True enough," Shishido agreed, tossing the towel back to him and shoving his racquet back into his bag. "You want to grab dinner? School starts again next week, we need to work out some kind of practice schedule. I've got entrance exams to study for, and you've still got music and stuff, right?"

The invitation was casual; a little too carefully casual, and Ohtori could see the tension in Shishido's shoulders though he did his best to hide it. So far their only contact had been tennis, and Ohtori hadn't been encouraging anything further.

On the other hand, Shishido was right that they needed to work out some kind of schedule if they didn't want to end up ignoring each other by accident again. And... maybe it was time, to take that next step. If he wanted them to have any chance at regaining more than just their partnership, he couldn't keep things strictly tennis-related forever.

"Yeah, sure," he said, and saw some of the tension leave Shishido. Though he reminded himself to stay wary, Ohtori couldn't quite keep the smile off his own face as he added, "The usual place?" When they practiced near Ohtori's house in the summer, they'd often gone to a ramen stand nearby. Returning there now after so long away would feel odd. He hadn't yet taken Amano there; it had felt wrong, somehow. As wrong as bringing Shishido to the concert hall he and Amano went to most weekends would have been.

The club that had the indoor courts also had change rooms available, and both Ohtori and Shishido grabbed the chance for a quick shower and change of clothes. On previous days they'd met to play they'd been going straight home after so it hadn't mattered, but if they were going out to a restaurant, neither of them wanted to stink of sweat.

If it had been a few months ago, Ohtori would have been sneaking little peeks in the shower room; scolding himself the whole time for doing it, but unable to resist the temptation to add fodder to his fantasies. He'd always been careful not to go into the showers at the same time as Shishido during club practices, so he wouldn't be caught looking.

It was the first time they'd showered together since starting to play again, and Ohtori was a little dismayed to realize he was still tempted to peek. It was easier to resist the temptation now, but the urge was definitely still there. Well, he finally consoled himself, it wasn't as if Shishido was any less physically attractive now than he had been three months ago. Even if Ohtori had gotten over him, he was still very hot. And Ohtori had successfully resisted the temptation, that was the important part.

He finished first; Shishido had always liked longer showers than he did, even after the senior had cut his hair. He wrapped his towel around his waist and headed back into the change rooms to dress and wait for the older boy. As he passed by Shishido, however, he was startled to feel that the spray misting over him from that direction was ice cold.

Without meaning to he looked over at the older boy. Shishido was facing away from him, leaning under the spray with his forearms against the wall. Despite the obviously frigid water, Ohtori could tell the senior's cheeks were flushed.

Swallowing, he jerked his gaze away again and hurried into the change room, grateful Shishido's eyes had been closed. He'd been in exactly that position too many times not to realize what must have happened; he hadn't always been successful at avoiding showering at the same time as his partner, after all.

The knowledge that Shishido had been looking at him, and been flustered enough by it to need to turn the water to ice, flustered Ohtori in turn. He changed quickly, hoping his blush would fade by the time Shishido emerged. Why couldn't he have realized he felt this way before? he silently demanded of the universe. Like at his birthday party, or better yet, before I'd even met Amano?

It didn't matter, he reminded himself fiercely. None of it mattered now, because Shishido hadn't realized, and Ohtori was over him, physical attraction issues not withstanding. And he was happy with Amano, damn it.

Well, in all honesty, he would probably always hold a certain amount of regret over losing his chance at Shishido, not to mention curiosity about what it might have been like. That was natural enough. It didn't change the way things were, though, nor the fact that when it came right down to it Ohtori was happy with things as they were.

He'd managed to control his blush by the time Shishido emerged, and of course it helped that the older boy was obviously too embarrassed to look at him. Ohtori obliged him by fussing with the lace of his right shoe, which was fraying and threatening to snap. It took him a couple minutes to relace it with a spare lace he kept in his bag, and by the time he was done Shishido was leaning against the wall and looking at him again.

Glancing up, he noted the faintest traces of a blush still on Shishido's cheeks, but wisely chose not to think about it, much less comment on it. "I'm ready if you are," he said instead, swinging his bag up onto his shoulder.

Their eyes met for a moment, and a brief understanding passed between them. I'm not going to say anything if you don't. Then Shishido turned away with a slightly awkward shrug and a laugh that was only a little strained. "C'mon, lets go find out if our ramen guy is still there in the winter."

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