Chapter 9

The fresh, chilled air hit Shishido hard as he finally left the school building, and he paused to take a deep breath of it. His head was swimming, and he felt almost feverish. He couldn't seem to chase any one thought down long enough to focus on it, and it was nearly enough to make him dizzy.

Most of all, he was extremely grateful that Ohtori and Amano had left by the time he'd emerged from the practice room. Shishido had quickly made his way to a bathroom halfway across the school from the music department and cleaned himself up. There was no way in hell he could face Ohtori to apologize after what had just happened. He didn't particularly want to have to face Atobe and Jirou, either, but he'd arrived in Atobe's limo and the bus he normally took home from school didn't run at this hour.

Any hopes he'd been harbouring that his two friends wouldn't notice anything was wrong were shattered the moment Shishido came within sight of the limo. Jirou was still awake and bouncing, and still chattering at top speed about how good the concert had been; Atobe was leaning against the side of the limo with his arms folded, occasionally nodding indulgently. When Jirou caught sight of Shishido he paused in mid-bounce, and landed rather awkwardly on flat feet.

"Shishido?" Recovering, Jirou ran towards him, his brown eyes big with concern. "Shishido, are you okay? You look like you're gonna be sick."

The thought had occurred to Shishido a few times, but it wasn't a physical illness that was plaguing him. "I'm fine," he said, grateful that his voice came out steady. "It's nothing, Jirou, don't worry about it."

"What happened?" the smaller boy persisted, trotting along beside him as he made his way to the car and Atobe. "Did you and Ohtori-kun get into another fight?"

Shishido paled further. "No. No, we didn't fight. I didn't even get a chance to talk to him." See him, yes, but he wasn't mentioning that part. Hell no.

"Something happened," Atobe observed, his eyes narrowed. "But this isn't the place to discuss it. Get in the car, both of you. We'll talk on the way back to my house. I've already arranged with both your parents for you to stay the night."

If it had been anyone else, Shishido would have bristled at that. But he and Jirou had both learned long ago that there was no point in arguing with Atobe's high-handed manner; he just utterly ignored you and continued right on with whatever he was planning.

And really, Shishido didn't want to have to endure any well-meant concern from his family, either. Not that he particularly wanted to face the questions Jirou and Atobe were likely to throw at him, but he didn't seem to be able to avoid that.

Once they were all settled in the plush seats and the car was moving, Shishido braced himself for the barrage. To his surprise, when Jirou started to blurt out a concerned question, Atobe raised his hand and stopped the other boy. "Later, Jirou," Atobe murmured when Jirou and Shishido both gave him confused looks. "Let him recover a bit first, hmm?"

Shishido wasn't sure whether to be grateful or more nervous. Somehow he didn't think Atobe was protecting him entirely out of the goodness of his heart; more likely it was so his wealthy friend would have a chance to plan his own angle of attack.

With a sheepish grin at Shishido, Jirou just shrugged and went back to his original topic of conversation. Thankfully the other boy was more than capable of carrying on a conversation all by himself when he was this excited; all he needed was the occasional encouragement from Atobe and some indication that Shishido was listening. It was hard enough to listen to Jirou babbling on about how wonderful Ohtori had been; he didn't think he'd have been able to come up with anything coherent to say on the subject had he been forced to participate.

His mind was still going around in little circles, like Pochi chasing her own tail. There was no way in hell he could continue to convince himself that he was completely unattracted to Ohtori, not after what he'd been thinking and feeling while watching the two of them. Not after what he'd been imagining while jerking off in that practice room. Even now, despite his guilt and shame, he felt his body stirring at the memory. He shifted uncomfortably on the seat and willed himself to think of something else.

There wasn't much else he could think of, though. His mind was quite firmly stuck on Ohtori, and his own feelings towards the younger boy. He just... he couldn't be gay. Could he? Surely he'd have noticed some sign of it before this; he was fifteen, for crying out loud! And anyway, he was attracted to girls, even if he'd never yet met an individual one he was particularly interested in. He enjoyed the nude mags and had fantasies of pretty girls as often as the next guy. So he couldn't possibly be like that.

Only, Jirou had said he liked girls too, hadn't he? Was that really possible, to be interested in both? Why bother even thinking about guys, if you could like girls and didn't have to deal with the stigma?

"Jirou? How'd you know you were interested in guys?" he blurted out, cutting his friend off mid-word. For a moment there was stunned silence in the car, and he looked up to find both Jirou and Atobe staring at him.

Belatedly, it occurred to him that he'd just outed Jirou to Atobe. His eyes went wide in panic, and he turned to Jirou. "Oh gods, I'm sorry... please tell me he already knew..."

Jirou's lips twitched, but it was Atobe who laughed. "Don't be foolish Shishido, this is me we're talking about," he said, leaning back against the seat and crossing one ankle over his knee. "I probably realized what was going on before Jirou did. But yes, he told me some time ago."

Like the way you knew about me before I did? He couldn't quite face that thought though, even in the privacy of his own mind, so he ignored it. "Why'd you tell him and not me?" he demanded of Jirou, trying to hide the hurt that surged through him. Wasn't he just as much Jirou's friend as Atobe was? Had the two of them somehow gotten that much closer to each other when he wasn't looking?

"Because he already knew, so I knew he wouldn't freak out," Jirou shrugged easily, perched on the edge of the seat next to Atobe. "I wasn't sure how you'd take it, so I didn't say anything." He looked briefly sad. "I didn't want to lose you. And if you'd found out about me before Ohtori-kun, it might have been me you were avoiding like that."

"I wouldn't have..." Shishido started to protest, but the looks on the faces of his two friends put him to shame. "Well, maybe," he admitted grudgingly. It had been easier to accept the truth about Jirou because he'd already dealt with the greater shock of Ohtori liking him. "But I'd have gotten over it!"

"It doesn't matter now," Jirou asserted, shaking his head and grinning at him. "Now you know, and Atobe knows, and you're both still my friends and that's all that really matters." Shishido and Atobe both nodded, and Atobe reached out to ruffle Jirou's hair gently.

"You should answer his question, Jirou, it might help him," Atobe said. "However," he added quickly as Jirou opened his mouth to do just that, "We're almost to my home. It can wait until we all get up to my room so we won't be interrupted, and we'll have more privacy there anyway."

"Your room?" Shishido gave Atobe an amused look. "What, are we gonna have a slumber party like we did when we were kids?" Those were good memories; long weekend nights the three of them had spent piled together in Atobe's massive bed, making tents out of the blankets and having pillow fights, talking until they couldn't keep their eyes open any more and literally fell asleep mid-sentence. Sometimes Shishido thought those sleepovers had been part of the reason their friendship had stayed so strong for so long. He couldn't remember now exactly when they'd stopped, or why, but these days when they stayed over he and Jirou slept in rooms on either side of Atobe's.

"Why not?" Atobe asked archly, smirking back at him. "The bed is still big enough for the three of us. Unless you're afraid you'll have an embarrassing dream? It's still your turn."

Oh right, that was why they'd stopped doing it. They'd hit puberty, and it had become... well, embarrassing. The first time it had been Jirou, because he was a good six months older than Atobe and Shishido. He hadn't really seemed to mind, just been a little bewildered by the whole thing. The second time it had been Atobe, however, and an embarrassed Atobe is a dangerous creature indeed. Shishido was just grateful it hadn't happened to him.

Eventually they'd gotten over the utter mortification and come to laugh about it, even teasing each other on occasion, like Atobe was doing now. But that had been a couple years ago, and he hadn't thought about it in a while.

Shishido flushed at the thought, and turned to stare out the window, shrugging. "Whatever," he muttered, though the very thought made his palms sweat. Considering everything that had happened tonight, it probably would be him who would embarrass himself. But if he said he didn't want to, the others would tease him for months about being shy or chicken.

"It's not a big deal," Jirou proclaimed, shrugging and yawning, his excitement apparently starting to wear off. "We probably all will. We're fifteen. So who cares, right?"

Both Shishido and Atobe gave him wry looks for that. Then they caught each other doing it, and both started laughing. Trust Jirou to have such an odd, yet simple perspective on the whole thing. If it happened to all three of them, rather than all three of them being embarrassed, in his mind it was logical that therefore none of them would be.

Hell, maybe he was even right. If they all did, none of them could point fingers, right?

Still, damn it, you weren't supposed to be willing to just let another guy see you in that state. It was embarrassing! One thing to talk and laugh about dreams you'd had, or look at magazines and pictures together, or just generally participate in locker room talk. But to actually witness your male friend in the midst of a dream like that, or the aftermath, it just wasn't done.

Kinda like it just isn't done to be thinking about your male best friend while you're dreaming... or jerking off? his mind taunted him, and he sank a little lower in his seat. His world had been a hell of a lot simpler four months ago. Why did life have to get so damned complicated?

Thankfully before one of the others could ask him about his renewed bad mood, the limo pulled to a stop in front of Atobe's house. Of course, Shishido belatedly realized as he climbed out of the car, that just meant he was that much closer to the moment when they started asking what had made him so upset in the first place. Stomach roiling, wondering if he dared ask to sleep in 'his' room after all, he followed Jirou and Atobe up the stairs.

"Oh, stop it Ryou, you look like we're dragging you to your execution," Atobe sighed in exasperation when he reached the top and looked back to see Shishido dragging his feet. "We're your friends, and we're supposed to be helping you, remember? We can't do that if you don't tell us what's going on. And while I will accept your word that you didn't speak to Ohtori, it's fairly evident that something happened."

Well, that was true in principle, but Shishido so did not want to talk about what had actually happened. "Look, I just... I ran across them, and they were kinda... occupied," he muttered as they all trailed into Atobe's sitting room, which connected to his bedroom. The blush on his cheeks was red enough to rival Mukahi's hair.

"Ohtori and Amano, you mean?" Atobe raised an eyebrow, and Shishido nodded miserably. He'd told them both about what Amano had said to him in the library, so it wasn't like they didn't know about the relationship. "I take it they weren't just kissing?"

Shishido nodded miserably. "Yeah, just a bit. I mean... not... they weren't... but it sure as hell was more than I ever wanted to see!" He shuddered at the memory, but it wasn't entirely revulsion.

Something must have shown on his face... or maybe it was his earlier question to Jirou that gave away his conflicted feelings. From the corner of his eyes he caught his two friends sharing another of those significant glances that always pissed him off so much, but this time he just sighed.

"C'mon, Ryou, let's go to bed," Jirou said, wrapping his arm around Shishido's slumped shoulders and hugging him. "Keigo and I'll help you sort everything out. It's easier to talk about stuff like this in the dark in bed, you'll see."

Despite the fact that almost everybody called Jirou by his given name, the sleepy boy so rarely used anyone else's that it always felt strangely warming when he used Shishido's. He followed the gentle but insistent tug towards the bedroom, Atobe trailing after them looking both amused and concerned.

"Wait, how do you know it's easier to talk about stuff like this in bed?" Shishido balked abruptly, staring suspiciously at Jirou. The smaller boy laughed softly.

"Because that's how I told Atobe about me, of course," he said, shrugging. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." He cast a grin over Shishido's shoulder at their third friend, who was laughing softly.

"I knew something had to be up," Atobe said as he moved to his dresser and grabbed sleeping pants for all of them. "Not only did he call me and ask to sleep over, without you, and not only did he ask to stay in my room even though we hadn't done that in a year, but then he actually stayed awake past the moment when his head hit the pillow."

Shishido had to laugh at that, though it was more a release of tension than anything else. They changed quickly, and he caught himself watching from the corner of his eyes to see if Jirou was watching him or Atobe. After all, if he were changing in a room full of girls, he'd be peeking. Didn't it stand to reason Jirou would in this situation?

He didn't, though. He just changed and hopped into the massive bed, snuggling into the down comforter with a happy little exclamation that made Atobe laugh again. Shishido followed more slowly, wondering what that meant. Maybe it meant Jirou wasn't really interested in guys, but just thought he was? But why would he think he was, if he wasn't?

Gods, it was all making his brain hurt. Atobe climbed in on the other side after switching out the lights, putting Jirou between them, and it was as if several years suddenly dropped away and they'd never stopped doing this. Shishido grinned despite himself, listening to the noises of his two bedmates settling themselves.

"So how did you know, Jirou?" he asked before the smaller boy could fall asleep.

"Mm?" Jirou made a sleepy noise, and yawned. "Well, it wasn't hard to figure out. Considering how often I was dreaming about you or Atobe. Or other cute guys. And then I asked Atobe to kiss me, just to be sure."

For a long moment Shishido's brain refused to process that, insisting that he must have heard wrong. "You what?" he finally blurted out, staring.

"I asked Atobe to kiss me," Jirou repeated patiently. "To see what it was like. I figured if I wasn't really interested, it wouldn't feel like much."

"And you agreed?" Shishido asked incredulously, lifting up slightly on one arm to stare at Atobe over Jirou's body. Guys were not supposed to ask guys to kiss them. Not even Jirou, innocent naive little Jirou who could say things that would get anyone else killed. And guys were not supposed to agree to kiss guys that asked them to!

"Well, I did warn him that it was hardly a fair comparison, since nobody else could possibly measure up to my skills," Atobe murmured, amusement clear in his voice. His eyes and teeth gleamed in the dim light as he smirked up at Shishido. "But he decided it was worth the possibility of being spoiled for anyone else."

Gaping, Shishido just kept staring for a long moment. "But, it was just an experiment, right?" he said, his voice coming out more plaintive than he'd meant it to. All right, Ohtori had a crush on him, he could accept that. Mostly. And okay, Jirou had thought of him that way, it was kind of flattering if more than a little weird. But Atobe too?

"Why?" Atobe asked, raising an eyebrow at him, his voice becoming even more smug. "Did you want me to kiss you too, to be fair?"

"You are such an asshole," Shishido replied, collapsing back down and wishing he could just smother himself in his pillow. Or maybe smother Atobe, that would work almost as well. "Is it something in the water? I mean, what the fuck?"

Jirou giggled sleepily, and Atobe laughed. "Does that mean you don't want me to?" Atobe asked, mock hurt in his voice. Shishido fished one of the smaller pillows out of the massive pile against the headboard, and flung it in Atobe's general direction.

"No I don't want you to kiss me!" he all but howled, wanting to rinse his mouth out at the very thought. Kiss Atobe? Gods, it would be like kissing his brother. If his brother was an even more annoying, smug, pain in the ass than he already was.

"Too bad," Jirou commented from where he was snuggled into a pillow. "You don't know what you're missing. He's a really good kisser." Then he chuckled. "Though he's right, I guess. You might be spoiled for anybody else if you try."

"Good thing for you I'm willing to keep indulging you, hmm?" Atobe asked, once again amused. Shishido thought he saw Atobe run his fingers through Jirou's hair, and a bunch of things finally clicked for him.

"Whoa, hey, waitaminute," he protested, bolting upright and staring at them. "How often exactly do you two do this?"

"Whenever I come over and you're not here," Jirou said, blinking sleepily up at him as if confused by the sudden outburst. Which, actually, he probably was.

"Honestly, Ryou, I've never met anyone as slow on the uptake as you," Atobe muttered, rolling his eyes. "It's not as if we've been hiding it, even if we haven't gone out of our way to make any announcements. At first I thought you were deliberately ignoring it to avoid causing problems in our friendship, until I realized you didn't have the faintest clue about Ohtori's crush on you either."

"It's the water," Shishido muttered again, flushing as he took in the way that Jirou was pressed rather closer to Atobe than he was to Shishido, and the way Atobe's hand rested lightly on Jirou's hip. "It's gotta be the water. In the showers or something."

"Nah," Jirou yawned and grinned at him. "It's something in the stuff they pave the courts with. Comes up in the air when you impact it. 'S why people like me'n Muhaki are more obvious about it... we're shorter, closer to the ground where it's stronger, and we spend a lot of time flat on our asses when we're practicing new moves."

That surprised Atobe into a laugh, and even Shishido smiled reluctantly. He found that his overwhelming emotion at the moment was hurt. The three of them had always been so close, had always done everything together. Granted, he'd been spending more time with Ohtori and less time with them last term, so he supposed he was at least partly to blame for the separation between them. But they were close now in a way he would never be with them, and he was jealous despite not being actually interested in either of them.

"Nothing's changed, Ryou," Jirou said softly, as ever the sensitive one of the three of them and the glue that held them all together. "We're just growing up, is all. We're still friends, that'll never change. And if you wanted to, you'd be welcome, right Keigo?" he glanced over his shoulder, and Atobe shrugged. "But we're not really the ones you want," Jirou concluded quietly. "Right?"

Shishido thought about the events of that night; how he'd felt watching Amano go down on Ohtori, how the look on Ohtori's face and the exquisite noises he'd made had affected him. He thought about the fantasy he'd jerked off to, and how many cold showers he'd taken lately to avoid exactly that situation. He thought about how much he hated Amano, even though the pianist was clearly a good friend and boyfriend to Ohtori, and made him happy.

He thought about how he would react if Ohtori came to him and asked to 'experiment' to find out if he was interested in boys. Four months ago it would have freaked him out past bearing. Now...

Now...

He sighed, and slowly settled back down, looking over at his two friends almost wistfully. "No, you're not," he agreed softly. There was nothing else he could say.

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